


Wasted

by brown_eyed_fallen_angel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abandonment, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - After College/University, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, BAMF Castiel, Best Friends, Blow Jobs, Bottom Castiel, Bottom Dean, Bullied Castiel, Bullying, Consensual Underage Sex, Dean Being an Idiot, Destiel - Freeform, Emotional Constipation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Engagement, F/M, First Kiss, First Love, First Time, First Time Blow Jobs, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Gay Sex, Hand Jobs, Hate Sex, Heartbreak, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Hurt Castiel, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Jealous Castiel, Jealous Dean Winchester, Lawyer Sam Winchester, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Manipulative Relationship, Mechanic Dean Winchester, Mutual Masturbation, Mutual Pining, Professor Castiel, Protective Dean Winchester, Roommates, Scared Dean, Self-Hatred, Sex in the Impala, Shameless Smut, Slow Build, Smut, Switching, Top Castiel, Top Dean, Virgin Castiel, Young Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-03
Updated: 2017-12-27
Packaged: 2018-04-07 10:58:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 36,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4260795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brown_eyed_fallen_angel/pseuds/brown_eyed_fallen_angel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Really?" Dean's voice rose and he clenched his fists, "Why the fuck do you care what happens to me anymore? I mean if we aren't friends then why do you care so much? Huh? Why?" </p><p>"Because I love you!" Tears were rolling down Cas' cheeks. Dean blinked, too in shock to say anything. Cas stepped closer to Dean, "I love you Dean."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. It starts here

It was the first day of school. Castiel had never been to school before but his older brothers had told him lots of stories. Most of them were bad stories, but Anna his only sister had told him not to listen to them. They were made up.

Castiel had been looking forward to the first day of school for months now. It was finally here! He was so excited to finally be a big boy. Turning 5 a few weeks ago had really made him feel big.

When the bus picked him up he was waiting outside his house with his mom. Amelia Novak kissed her son on the cheek and watched him get on the bus. She was so proud of her youngest son. 

Castiel looked around for somewhere to sit, suddenly anxious about riding the bus. He didn't know any of these other kids and that made him nervous. The only kids he played with were his siblings. 

Castiel walked down the middle aisle until he found an empty seat towards the back of the bus. He sat in it and slid over by the window. Looking out he saw his mother standing on the front lawn. He smiled and waved at her and she waved back, blowing Castiel a kiss. 

Castiel smiled and watched as his mother disappeared from sight. He was nervous. He didn't know how to talk to these people. All the other kids on the bus seemed to already know each other. Castiel felt lonley and out of place on this bus. Maybe his brothers were right about school. Maybe school really was as bad as they said. 

Castiel gazed out the window as the bus drove on feeling completely alone. 

<3 <3 <3

Dean was not happy. He did not want to go to school. School meant that he had to leave his little brother Sam. He didn't want to leave Sam with Bobby and Ellen. He didn't want to leave Sam with Jo. He wanted to stay home and play with his little brother and his little cousin like he always had. He wanted to stay home and spend time with Uncle Bobby and Aunt Ellen. He didn't want to go.

Dean stood with his arms crossed in the front yard waiting for the bus. Ellen was waiting with him and so was little Sam. Ellen was holding baby Jo in her arms and Sam was holding Dean's hand. 

Dean had tried to explain to Sam what school was the best that he could. But Dean was only 6 and Sam was only 2, so Sam didn't understand very well. 

When the bus stopped in front of them Dean took a deep breath. He looked at his Aunt and mustered up some tears, "Please don't make me leaves Sammy Auntie Ellen. He needs me. I is his only family. Please Auntie Ellen." Ellen just shook her head and gave Dean a little shove, "It'll take more than that to soften this old heart boy." 

Dean stuck out his lower lip and looked at Sam. Sam was looking at the big bus with wide eyes. Dean smiled looking down at his baby brother. He kneeled down on the ground in front of Sam, "I has to go to school now Sammy. But I'll be back later. I promise." Sam grinned a toothy little grin at his big brother, "Dee back." 

"Later Sammy," Dean gave his baby brother a big hug and walked onto the bus. There were a lot of kids already on the bus and Dean was scared. He looked at all the kids wondering if any of them were nice. Most of them looked like they were already friends and that made Dean sad. He didn't have any friends.

Dean walked down the middle aisle looking for a place to sit. He saw a spot open by a scary looking kid that sounded like a snake when he talked but that kid scared him so he kept looking.

There was a seat open next to a chubby kid that talked funny but when Dean tried to sit there the kid said it was saved for someone else. Dean was getting sadder and sadder by the minute. He didn't want to go to school with all these mean kids. He wanted to get off this bus and go home. He just wanted to go home. 

Finally Dean found a seat towards the back of the bus next to a kid with dark hair and the bluest eyes Dean had ever seen in his little life.

"Can I sits here?" Dean asked in a small scared voice. The blue eyed boy looked up at Dean, "Of course." Dean smiled and sat down, "Thanks." The other boy tried to smile then looked out the window.

Dean didn't know what to do. What do you do when you're only 6 and you don't know nobody? He looked over at the blue eyed boy and noticed he was wearing weird clothes, a white button up shirt with a tie and suit pants.

"Whats are you wearing?" The blue eyed boy looked down at himself then back up at Dean, "I'm wearing clothes." Dean laughed, "Those are weird clothes." The blue eyed boy looked back at his clothes and shrugged, "I like them." 

Dean looked down at his own clothes, a pair of faded jeans with holes in them and a plain T-shirt that was a little too big for him. The blue eyed boy returned his gaze to the window and Dean sighed. 

Now what was he supposed to do? For goodness sakes he was only 6 what did the world expect from him? Talking to people was hard. Dean didn't like it. 

They rode the rest of the way to school quietly. Dean wanted to say something to the blue eyed boy but he didn't know what to say. So they were quiet, the blue eyed boy staring out the window and Dean staring at the blue eyed boy. 

When the bus dropped them off at the school all the kids were lead inside by a teacher. She introduced herself as Miss Tessa. Dean decided he liked Miss Tessa, she was nice and pretty.

The kids all followed her to a classroom and were given cubbies to put thier lunches and bags in. Miss Tessa told them to sit in a circle on the carpet and they did something called 'circle time'. They passed a ball to each other and when you got the ball you had to stand up and say your name and something you like.

When Dean got the ball he stood up, "Hi my name is Dean and I like cars." He looked around the circle and tossed the ball to the blue eyed boy. The boy barely caught it but he stood up and nervously looked around, "My name is Castiel and I like boys." 

The classroom burst into fits of laughter and giggles. The blue eyed boy, Castiel, looked around with wide panicked eyes. Miss Tessa was trying to get the other kids to be quiet but the snake kid from the bus yelled out, "That's disgusting!" 

Dean watched as Castiel's eyes filled with tears. Dean glared at the snake kid, "That was mean! You big meanie head!" Miss Tessa frowned at Dean, "Dean we don't call people names its not nice. And Alistair you need to apologize to Castiel that was mean of you to say." Alistair rolled his eyes and mumbled a 'sorry'. 

Castiel sniffled and rubbed his eyes trying not to cry. Miss Tessa placed a hand on his shoulder and said, "Castiel its OK to like boys but only as friends OK?" Castiel nodded, "Yes ma'am Miss Tessa." 

"Good now tell us something else you like." Castiel wiped a tear off his face and said, "I like to read." Miss Tessa nodded, "Thank you Castiel now pass the ball to someone else." 

<3 <3 <3

Castiel sat in the same spot on the bus. He was ready to go home. His brothers were right about school, it sucked. He looked out the window and tried not to cry.

Everybody had been mean to Castiel after carpet time. Nobody wanted to be his partner, nobody wanted to sit with him for lunch and nobody wanted to sleep near him during nap time.

Castiel had had a bad day and all because he had been honest. All the other kids thought he was weird and said mean things about him. 

Castiel was staring out the window holding back tears when he heard someone sit down next to him. He slowly turned and saw the green eyed boy from this morning, he couldn't remember his name. 

"Hi," the boy said, "can I sits here?" Castiel tilted his head in confusion, "You want to sit by me? But I'm weird." The boy shrugged, "I don't care. I wants to sit with you." 

"OK," Castiel nodded and the boy smiled and sat down on the seat. The boy looked at Castiel and stuck his hand out, "My name is Dean Winchester, like the gun." Castiel shook Dean's hand, "My name is Castiel Novak. I was named after an angel." 

"Cas-teel? Your name is weird. Can I calls you Cas?" Castiel nodded, "Sure Dean." Dean smiled, "Cool."

The rest of the bus ride home was spent with Dean and Cas talking about their families. Cas told Dean about his older brothers: Michael, Lucifer, and Gabriel and his older sister Anna. Dean told Cas about his little brother Sam, his baby cousin Jo and his Uncle Bobby and Aunt Ellen. Cas told Dean about how he never knew his Dad because he left after he was born and his mom had to work all the time and his Aunt Martha lived with them and helped out his mom. Dean told Cas about how his mom had died when he was 4 and his Dad had left him with his Uncle and Aunt to go 'hunting'. 

When they got to Cas' house His brothers and sister were standing outside waiting for him. He stood up and squeezed out of the seat, "Goodbye Dean, I had fun talking to you." Dean smiled, "I like you Cas. Can we be friends?" Cas blinked in confusion, "Um, yes?" Dean grinned a toothy grin, "Cool! Bye Cas I'll sees you tomorrow!" 

Cas got off the bus and walked towards his siblings. He looked back as it was pulling away and saw Dean waving at him. He smiled and waved back.

"So did you make any friends today?" Michael asked. Castiel looked at him and smiled, "Yes I did. His name is Dean and he likes cars." 

<3 <3 <3

Dean watched Castiel disappear from view. He had made a friend. A really cool friend. Sure Castiel dressed weird, and he talked weird, and he was just weird but Dean liked him. Cas was the only nice person he'd met today. 

Cas also didn't treat him like other people did. When other people found out about his parents they always said they were sorry but not Cas. Cas just nodded and listened. Dean was glad to finally have someone to talk to who would just listen.

When the bus stopped in front of his house his Aunt Ellen had Jo in her arms and Sam by her feet. Dean jumped off the bus and ran to Sam.

"How was school kid?" Dean smiled up at his Aunt, "It was OK." Ellen nodded, "Did you make any friends?" Dean grinned and grabbed Sam's hand to lead him inside, "Yes his name is Castiel and he likes boys and reading."


	2. Small steps

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright so I'm trying to build my plot so I hope this doesn't suck too bad. Things are gonna start to get interesting very soon. Bear with me on these first couple chapters they will get better i promise.
> 
> Constructive critism is always appreciated but hate will not be tolerated. Just so you know.
> 
> Comments give me motivation kudos make me smile. :D

Castiel had only made it through grade school with Dean by his side. The other kids had always taunted him and made fun of him. But Dean was always there for him. Dean didn't care that Cas dressed weird or that he talked weird or that he liked boys. Dean didn't care and that was what Cas liked most about him.

They were in middle school now and the teasing only got worse. Cas had to walk to school with his older brother Gabriel, because there was no bus for the middle schoolers.

"So Cassie you ready for sixth grade?" Gabriel was currently sucking on a pink lollipop. Cas shrugged, "I suppose. It can't be much worse than grade school right?" Gabriel laughed, "Sure we'll go with that." 

When they arrived at the school Cas found out just how different grade school was from middle school. There were kids everywhere. Some of them were running around, some of them were bullying others, some of them looked like they were stoned.

"Gabriel, I didn't think that middle school would be so...chaotic." 

"Welcome to your own personal hell Cassie. Things only get worse from here." Cas gulped, "Will you help me find my locker Gabriel?" Gabriel put his arm around Cas' shoulders, "I'd love to Cassie but I gotta go meet up with my crew. I'll meet you outside after school OK?" 

"Yes Gabriel," Cas gripped the straps of his backpack and walked down the hallway looking for locker number 145. People kept shoving into him and pretending he wasn't even there. 

Cas pushed through the crowd as best he could. Every time he bumped into someone he would quickly mutter an apology and press on. Finally he found his locker. He opened it and placed his extra books inside. Then he pulled out his class schedule to find out where he needed to be.

"Hey Cas long time no see," the voice dripped like acid down Castiel's spine. He cringed, "Hello Alistair. How was your summer?" 

"My summer was fantastic. I didn't have to spend everyday seeing your face." Cas sighed, "That sounds like an incredibly relaxing and wonderful environment for you." 

"Well it was. Now I'm back at school and stuck seeing your fag face everyday."

"I apologize that you have to be bothered with my presence." This was the game. Cas was used to it by now. Alistair would verbally abuse him and Cas would just apologize for being alive. If he played right he would make it without any black eyes or bruised ribs.

"As well you should be. Stay out of my way and we won't have problems yes?" Cas nodded, "Of course. Have a pleasant first day Alistair." Al huffed and walked off down the hallway towards a group of shifty looking kids.

Cas shuddered then went back to reading his schedule. It looked like his first class was history. Could be worse, his day could start with math.

"Cas!" Cas smiled when that familiar voice reached his ears. He turned around just in time to accept Dean's bear hug. 

"God I missed you man. How was your summer? Did you miss me?" Dean winked at Cas and slung his arm around Cas' shoulder. Cas grinned, "My summer was well Dean and yes I did miss you." 

"Good, where did your family go again? Italy or something?" 

"We went to Greece Dean. My mother won the trip at a work raffle. It was a very nice time spent with family. Granted I would have enjoyed your company as well but I did enjoy my family." Dean chuckled, "Cas you little suck up. I know I'm great but you don't have to inflate my ego. Aunt Ellen says I don't need any help with that."

"I'm just being honest Dean." Dean smiled, "I know you are Cas. I know. So has Al come by and given you the traditional 'stay out of my face' speech?" Cas sighed, "Unfortunately yes. I'm not even sure why he hates me." Dean shrugged, "Its just cause you're better than him Cas."

"Dean," Cas nudged Dean, "Be nice. How was your summer? How is Sam?" 

"Good good. We didn't go anywhere fancy like Greece but it was still good. We finally blew up that stump in farmer Martin's field though. That was fun."

"How did you manage to blow up the stump?" Dean grinned, "M-80 Cas. Fourth of July. Me and Sammy went out there and lit a good dozen of them off in before it finally blew." Cas laughed, "You never cease to amaze me Dean Winchester." 

"Its what I do. Where's your first class?" Cas handed Dean his schedule, "I have history, then art, then math, lunch, science, health, gym, and English." 

"Damn, looks like we don't have any shared periods except lunch." Cas tried to hide his disappointment, "That's alright we'll just hang out at lunch and after school. I'm supposed to walk home with Gabriel but I'm sure he won't mind if I walk with you instead." 

"Awesome, I'll see you at lunch!" Dean gave Cas a side hug then ran down the hall to his class. Cas smiled, "See you Dean." 

<3 <3 <3

Dean had missed Cas. Sure he had a fun summer with his family but he wished he could share it with his best friend too. Needless to say he was thrilled to see Cas again. Unfortunately they didn't get to see each other till lunch but Dean would make it work.

Dean walked into his first period, English. He looked at the teacher as she was writing on the board.

"Find a seat and sit." She said when she noticed Dean standing there. Dean gulped looking at the class. He hasn't had to sit by someone other than Cas before. Not because he didn't have other people he could talk to he just preferred Cas' company to others.

"Hey you," a perky looking red head yelled pointing at Dean, "come on over here and pop a squat." Dean tentatively walked towards the girl. Slowly he sat in the seat next to her.

"Geez no need to be so freaky. I'm not gonna bite you or anything." Dean looked at the desk, "Sorry, I don't talk to many people." She scoffed, "I figured, you strike me as the nerdy type."

"What's wrong with the nerdy type?" Dean jumped to the defensive. She placed her hands up in mock surrender, "Chill out. I didn't mean that like its a bad thing. I myself prefer the term intellectual badass to nerd when talking to others but that's just me."

"You're a nerd?" 

"Intellectual badass," she corrected," and yes I am. My names Charlene Bradbury, but call me Charlie." 

"Dean Winchester, like the gun." Dean extended his hand for Charlie to shake. She smiled and flashed a Vulcan 'live long and propser' sign at him. He grinned and flashed one back. 

"I knew it," Charlie squealed, "I knew you watched Star trek. I could just tell. I can tell you watch star wars too. Am I right?" Dean nodded, "How did you know?" Charlie chuckled, "When you walked in here you were wearing the same look on your face that Luke had when Darth told him he was his father." 

"I was not."

"Yeah you were."

"You're such a nerd."

"Intellectual badass, Winchester. Intellectual badass." Dean smiled, "Whatever you say Charlie." The bell rang and class started. Dean looked over at Charlie and she smiled. Dean smiled back. First period and he had already made a new friend.

<3 <3 <3

Castiel walked in to his history class and almost ran right into the teacher. 

"I am so sorry!" Cas apologized. The teacher shrugged, "Wouldn't be the first time. Go ahead and pick a seat." Cas nodded and walked towards the first empty seat he saw. He quickly plopped down in it and got his class supplies out.

He was digging through his backpack when someone above him cleared their throat. Slowly he looked up, "Can I help you?" 

"Yes actually you can. If you would be a darling and move? You're in my seat." The guy spoke with a cocky British accent. Cas looked at the desk he was sitting in, "I don't see your name on it." The guy rolled his eyes, "Its more of an implied type of thing. Like I always sit in the desk in the far right back corner therefore you're at my desk."

"Well seeing how I was here first you'll have to find a different desk." The guy scoffed, "Do you know who I am?" Cas shrugged, "Do you know who I am?" The guy opened his mouth then shut it. Cas smirked, "Exactly so who are you to tell me to move when you don't even know me?" 

"Well perhaps we should rectify that mishap." The guy extended his hand, "I'm Balthazar Montague." 

"Montague? Like Romeo and Juliet?" Balthazar groaned, "I swear if I had a penny for every time someone said that I could buy a time machine and go back in time and kill Shakespeare." 

"Don't kill Shakespeare he's a great author. I'm Castiel Novak." They shook and then Cas returned his attention to his supplies. Balthazar cleared his throat, "Well now that pleasantries are out of the way. Get out of my desk." 

"Not gonna happen." The bell rang and class started. Balthazar reluctantly sat in a desk two spots from where Cas was. Balthazar shot him a look that said 'this isn't over'. Cas sighed, first period and he had already pissed someone off. 

<3 <3 <3

It felt like a century before the bell rang for lunch. Dean jumped out of his desk and threw his things in his backpack. He couldn't wait to see his best friend. He rushed to the lunchroom and stood outside the doors to wait for Cas.

A few minutes later Cas came around the corner and was in front of the Cafeteria. Dean beamed when he saw Cas coming. 

"Hey Cas how's your day so far?" Cas groaned, "I do not wish to talk about it yet." That didn't sound too good. Dean frowned, "Is everything alright? Alistair didn't hit you did he?"

"No no. I'm just not very good at making friends apparently." Dean scoffed, "What? That's crazy you and I are friends." 

"Dean you talked to me first." 

"Huh you're right I did. That's OK Cas you're a great guy you just have to get past the social awkwardness first." Cas sighed, "I know Dean. I'm trying. I just wish we had classes together, things would be so much easier that way." Dean sighed, "You'll get there Cas these things just take time." 

They walked through the lunch line. Dean grabbed a burger and fries and Cas got a slice of pizza. They sat together at a table in the corner and just swapped summer stories.

Dean told Cas about how Sam and him had accidentally started farmer Martin's field on fire when they blew up his stump. Cas told Dean about how they don't celebrate independence day in Greece so his family didn't get to do fireworks this year. Dean told Cas about Jo getting into a fist fight with the little girl across the street and almost giving her a black eye. Cas told Dean about Gabriel catching a possum and leaving it under the blanket for the housekeeper at the hotel to find and how the woman had been so scared she quit her job. 

The bell that signaled the end of lunch rang too soon. Both boys reluctantly got up and dumped their lunch trays. 

"Well I guess this is where we say goodbye again," Dean kicked at the floor. Cas shrugged, "Its not really goodbye Dean. We'll see each other after school." 

"Right, I'll see you then?" Cas nodded, "See you then. Meet me by the bus stop." Dean smiled, "You got it bye Cas." 

"Bye Dean," Cas waved one last time then disappeared into the crowd of students. Dean started at the spot that Cas had run for a minute then turned and walked to his own class.

<3 <3 <3

Castiel was anxious for the clock to say 3. It was almost over. All the whispers and stares from classmates new and old. Word sure traveld fast. 3 more minutes and it would be over for today. 3 more minutes and he would be able to hang out with Dean again.

Cas was only half paying a attention to the lesson. Between the whispers and the clock he was too distracted. Every so often he would hear someone whisper his name and the words fag or gay or disgusting. He didn't care right now all he cared about was the clock saying 3.

3 mins later the clock read 3 and the bell was ringing. Cas shoved his things into his backpack and left the room as fast as he could. He went to his locker to put away the books he didn't need and then he was outside the school headed towards the bus stop. 

Castiel stood waiting for 2 minutes and then Dean and Gabriel were walking up to him.

"Seriously though how did you catch a live possum Gabe?" He heard Dean ask. Gabe smirked, "I'll never tell kid. Secrets of the trade, I can't give all the good ones away now can I?" Dean groaned and rolled his eyes, "Cas your brother is a jerk."

"I already knew that Dean."

"Hey! I'm standing right here you guys." Gabe huffed and stuck a jawbreaker in his mouth, "Whatever. I suppose you two love birds wanna walk home together. Not a problem just don't get hit by a car or anything or I'll be the one in trouble. See ya later losers." Gabe waved and walked off.

"I apologize for Gabriel's behavior." Dean shrugged, "Cas I'm used to it by now." Cas smiled and him and Dean began their short walk home. Taking about how their school days went. 

When Cas got home he waved at Dean and promised to walk with him to school tomorrow morning. Dean waved and kept going to his house. Cas went into the living room where Michael was sitting on the couch waiting.

"So how was school Castiel?" Cas shrugged, "I don't know Michael it was school. The teachers are rude, my peers are neanderthals, and the food is terrible. All in all I had an OK day."

"Good good. How's Dean?" 

"He is well. He met a girl today that he wants me to meet. He says that her and I will get along great. Her name is Charlie and she's a nerd. But she prefers the term Intellectual bad ass apparently."

<3 <3 <3

Dean took one last glance back to make sure that Cas had made it inside. He finished walking. The couple blocks to his house humming Metallica to keep the silence away.

When he walked in the door he got an armful of Jo. 

"Whoa Jo easy there." Jo hugged Dean tightly, "How was your day Dean?" Dean ruffled her hair, " It was good Jo. Where's Sam and your mom?"

"Kitchen." Dean gave Jo a kiss on the head and walked into the kitchen, "Hey Aunt Ellen, hey Sammy."

"Welcome home Dean." Ellen was stirring some sort of soup on the stove. Sam glanced up from the book he was reading, "How's Cas is he back?"

"Yeah he's back. He says hi to you guys." 

"So how was school?" Dean shrugged, "Eh same old same old you know? Everyone is a jerk to everyone the teachers don't care and it takes way too long to get over. But I met a girl today and she was really nice." 

"That's good. Did Cas make any new friends today?" Dean laughed, "He didn't make a new friend but he make a new enemy." Ellen shook her head, "That boy. What did he do?"

"He sat in the desk that the guy wanted. Apparently the guy is some sort of rich British dude. According to Cas, he's a total jerk. With a capital J." Ellen laughed, "The kid got a name?" 

"Balthazar Montague, like Romeo and Juliet."


	3. Just friends?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING 
> 
> This chapter contains some smuttiness

Middle school was over as quickly as it had started. Or that's the way it seemed to Castiel. High school was passing by just as quickly.

It was already Castiel's sophomore year but it felt like he was still a freshman. One more year and he would graduate and then college.

Castiel gripped the straps on his backpack tighter and walked up to his friends. Charlie beamed when she saw him coming and Benny just waved.

"Hey Cas! How was last night? Did it go well?" Charlie was bouncing excitedly on the balls of her feet. Benny shook his head, "Charlie will you let the guy breathe at least? How's it going brother?" 

"I am well Benny thank you for asking. And to answer your questions Charlie: Bad, and not at all." Charlie frowned, "Why? What happened?" Cas sighed, "Well for starters Chastity made some very unpleasurable advances towards me and then I told her that it wasn't her fault her dad left. She threw her drink in my face and left." 

"Brother why did you go on a date with this girl in the first place? We all know you're as gay as they come." Cas blushed, "Thank you for that Benny. I went on the date because Charlie set it up for me and it would have been rude to stand Chastity up." 

"Ok so maybe she was more my type than your type but come on Cas, you have to put yourself out there! That's the only way you'll get over this crush."

"Who's crushing on who now?" Cas turned around and came face to face with the object of his affections. He blushed, "Hello Dean." Dean smiled, "Hey Cas. So who's crush are we talking about here?" 

"Nobodies!" Charlie looked panicked, "We were talking about how crushed Chastity was last night." 

"Oh right! Didn't you have a date with her last night Cas?" Cas nodded, "Yes, it did not go well." Dean shrugged, "Oh well her loss is my gain." Castiel could feel his heartbeat increase, the butterflies in his stomach fluttering, "What do you mean Dean?" 

"Well now we can spend more time hanging out." Instant deflation, "Oh...but what about your girlfriend Dean? I would hate to impose." 

"Nah me and Cassie is old news. She dumped me for some jock or something. Doesn't matter anyway she didn't like you and that made me not like her. Any girl that wants to be with me has to like my friends."

"Hell yeah! We're the intellectual badasses!" Charlie high fived Dean and Benny just shook his head. Cas smiled at his friends. He really did enjoy them and he loved them all but he loved Dean more than just platonically. 

Cas wasn't exactly sure how it happened but one day in 8th grade Dean was flirting with a girl and it made him jealous. Cas wasn't supposed to be jealous of girls flirting with Dean. Dean was just his friend, but after when Dean had sat at Cas's house watching a movie with his arm around Cas' shoulder Cas knew. He knew that he had feelings for Dean. Feelings beyond friendship. Cas liked Dean but he couldn't like Dean cause Dean was his friend. Only Charlie and Gabriel knew about his crush on Dean.

"Well come on let's get the day started so it can be over." Cas followed his friends into the school as the bell rang. Dean stopped walking and looked at Cas, "Can I talk to you for a second?" 

"Of course Dean." Charlie shot a questioning look at the two but Benny grabbed her arm and pulled her down the hallway. Cas looked at Dean, "What is it Dean?" 

"Look Cas I'm sorry for the way I acted towards you when I was with Cassie. It was messed up man. I shouldn't have neglected you like I did." Cas shrugged, "It really isn't a problem Dean. You're my friend and I already forgave you." 

"Seriously?" Dean chuckled, "Cas, I have no idea how I got so lucky but damn I'm glad I did." Cas tilted his head in confusion, "I don't understand what you mean." 

"Cas," Dean placed his hand on Cas' shoulder, "Don't ever change." Cas smiled, "I won't Dean. I promise." 

<3 <3 <3

Dean watched Cas walk down the hallway to his locker. Dean smiled, "I am one lucky bastard." He walked to his locker. At his locker he pulled out his history book and shoved his backpack inside. 

Dean turned and almost knocked someone over. "Hey sorry about that." The girl glared at Dean, "Watch where you're going next time!" She stormed down the hallway.

"Sorry princess," Dean mumbled as he headed for first period. He walked down the hallway and ran into a familiar face.

"Well if it isn't the Winchester. How's your boyfriend Dean?" Dean groaned, "Hey why don't you just piss off Alastair? Alright?" Alastair growled and shoved Dean into the wall, "Listen to me very closely Winchester." Dean coughed, "I would if your breath wasn't so bad. Don't you have a mint or something?" 

"You think you're funny?" Dean smirked, "I think I'm adorable." Alistair's eyes were filled with rage, "Yeah but I bet your boyfriend won't when you have a black eye." Alastair punched Dean in the face and threw him to the ground.

"Watch yourself Dean. These halls are dangerous." Dean picked himself up off the floor. He glared at Alastair's retreating form, "Bite me asshole." Dean picked up his history book and continued to his class. 

He walked in right as the tardy bell rang. "I can't wait for this day to be over." Dean grumbled as he sat in his seat. He could feel his face starting to swell and bruise. 'Shit' he mentally cursed, people were starting to look at him. He raised his hand.

"Yes Mr. Winchester?" Dean cleared his throat, "Can I go to the bathroom?" The teacher nodded and Dean bolted from his seat for the door. 

"Don't forget a hall pass!" His teacher yelled after him. He turned around and grabbed a hall pass, then made his way to the bathroom. Once he was inside he let out a sigh of relief. 

Dean walked up to the mirror and looked at his reflection. His eye was really swollen and starting to turn a deep shade of purple. "Fuck," Dean cursed, "What am I gonna tell Cas?" Dean turned the faucet on and splashed some cold water on his face. He looked back in the mirror then went back to class. 

Dean sat through history with a troubled mind. 'What if Cas gets mad at me for this?' 'Its not my fault really. I didn't even do anything!' 'Cas would understand.' 'But what if he didn't?' 'But I didn't even fight back this time!' 'Cas is gonna be so upset.' 

The bell rang and Dean headed for his locker dreading lunch today. 'Only two periods to go.' 

<3 <3 <3

Castiel sat down in the back of the classroom where he always sat. Almost time for lunch and he could see Dean again. Cas was excited, he could sit next to Dean and talk to Dean without Cassie hogging all of Deans attention.

Cas smiled to himself thinking about what Dean had said this morning, 'How did I get so lucky?' 'Don't ever change.' 

"Daydreaming again are we Cassie?" Cas looked up from his book, "Balthazar." The cocky Brit smirked, "Hello Cassie darling, how is the heart throb Dean doing today? Rumor mill says he's a single man again." 

"The rumor mill is not wrong." Balthazar smirked, "Well I'm sure he won't be that way for long. You know how he is." Cas glared at Balthazar, "Bite me." 

"Oh darling I only bite in the throes of passion." Balthazar winked and sat in the desk next to Cas. Cas groaned and rubbed his temples. 

"Oh don't be such a drama queen Cassie. I always sit by you." Cas sighed, "I know and I dread it everyday." Balthazar chuckled, "Well you shouldn't have taken my seat in 6th grade. Then I wouldn't have to harass you." 

"I know. I'm stuck with you sitting next to me, teasing me about my best friend, using my hated nickname, and annoying me in general." Balthazar smirked, "Right I'm sure you only think of Dean in a friendly manner. Come on Cassie I am not stupid. I've seen the way you look at Dean, you my dear, have the biggest crush on him. Frankly I would think it adorable if I wasn't trying to get in your pants myself." 

"Oh right I forgot flirting with me." 

"Come on Cassie. Look at reality. Dean Winchester is probably straitgher than an arrow. Why do you still pine after him when I could make you happier." Cas sighed, "Its not your business Balthazar." 

"Dean Winchester is a bloody idiot if he can't see how in love with him you are. Hell I'd do just about anything to be able to say that I topped your hot ass. If Dean can't see that he needs glasses." 

"Balthazar please." 

"Just think about it Cassie. I could rock you like a hurricane." Balthazar winked and the bell rang. Cas looked down at his book not really paying attention to the teacher. Balthazar was right and Cas knew it. Dean was straight. There was no way in hell Cas would ever have a chance with him. So why couldn't he just let his crush go? 

<3 <3 <3 

Dean walked into the lunchroom with his face to the floor. He didn't want to face Cas looking like this. He knew that Cas would be upset and think he started another fight. Even though it wasn't a fight so much as Dean getting punched by Alastair. Asshole.

Dean walked up to his friends table with his lunch tray. "Hey Dean! How goes things in- oh my god what happened to your face!" Dean glanced up at the table, "Thank you, Charlie for breaking the news calmly." Charlie blushed, "Sorry Dean." 

Cas stood up and looked Dean in the eyes, "Dean what happened? Did you get in another fight?" Dean smirked, "You should see the other guy." 

"Dean this isn't a joke!" Cas gingerly touched the bruising around Dean's eye, "Damn it Dean! You know you'll get suspended for this!" 

"Cas calm down," Dean grabbed Cas' hand and pulled it away from his eye, "It wasn't a fight OK? That asshole Alastair just roughed me up a little. It's no big deal its just a black eye and I didn't even hit him back. Technically not a fight." Cas sighed, "Don't do that to me." Dean squeezed Cas' hand, "Sorry buddy." 

Benny cleared his throat and Dean let go of Cas' hand and sat down. Cas sat back down next to Dean but his demeanor was a little weird. Dean shrugged it off, "So we still on for game night tonight? Since Cassie dumped me I don't have any plans." 

"I can't tonight Dean I have a huge Computer Science test to study for. If I fail that test I'll never get into MIT." Charlie smiled, "Sorry maybe Benny and Cas can still make it though?" 

Dean looked at Benny, "Well? What do you say Benny? Marathon some star trek with us? Play some video games?" Benny shook his head, "Can't brother. I gotta study for my history test. If I fail again they'll make me do summer school." 

"Bunch of nerds," Dean looked at Cas, "What do you say Cas? You and me? The dynamic duo?" Cas sighed, "I really should get my English essay done tonight Dean." Dean pouted, "Come on Cas! Don't leave me hanging! You're my best friend. Besides I know for a fact that essay isn't due for another month. Please Cas?" 

"Well," Cas sighed, "Alright I suppose it wouldn't hurt." Dean grinned, "I knew you wouldn't let me down buddy." 

The rest of lunch was spent joking around and having small food fights. Charlie started it by throwing a grape at Dean and hitting Cas. Dean, to defend Cas' honor, threw a fry at Charlie. She dodged it and it hit Benny in the eye. Benny picked up a carrot to throw at Dean and hit Cas in the nose instead. Cas rubbed his injured nose and flung a spoonful of colelsaw at Benny but hit Charlie. Charlie threw a handful of grapes at Cas and managed to hit both Cas and Dean. So Cas and Dean teamed up against Charlie and Benny and they had their own personal food war.

The war was ended however, when a stray carrot hit Alastair on the back of the head and the group had to flee the lunch room. They were all laughing as they walked down the hall towards their next classes. 

Dean had his arm around Cas' shoulder, "So my place? 6:30?" Cas nodded, "That should be acceptable. I will have to ask my mother if its OK though." Dean smiled, "Awesome, I'll see you after school Cas." 

"See you later Dean." Cas walked down the hall to his next class. Dean stood and watched Cas go. He couldn't wait to spend time with his best friend again. He had missed Cas more than he would admit to anyone.

""You OK brother?" Benny put his hand on Dean's shoulder. Dean scoffed, "Yeah I'm OK. I'm fine Benny. Why would you even ask that?" Benny shrugged, "No reason really. Its just the last time I looked at someone the way you were looking at Cas, I was watching my girlfriend walk away from me." 

"What?!? Whatever Benny you're nuts." Benny shrugged, "Maybe I'm crazy, but I'm not the one staring at my best friend like I love him. Do you?" 

"Do I what?" 

"Love him?" Dean shoved Benny away from him, "What like love love? No. No way. Cas is my best friend. I just care about him as a friend that's all." Benny shrugged, "OK, keep telling yourself that Dean. Just remember, there will come a day when you admit to yourself that you want Cas and it'll probably be when you're watching him with someone else." 

"Whatever Benny. I gotta get to class." Dean walked down the hallway towards his class. "See you Dean. Think about what I said." And Benny went the other way. 

Dean looked at the ground as he walked. Cas was just his friend. And he cared about him as a friend. Just as a friend. Right?

<3 <3 <3

The day was finally over. Dean had just dropped Cas off at home. Cas was excited. It had been months since him and Dean had spent time together. No thanks to Cassie who apparently didn't like Cas.

"Hey Cassie," Gabriel greeted as he walked into their shared room, "What's shaking bacon?" Cas set his bag down on his desk, "Hello Gabriel. Is mother home?" Gabriel threw a dart at the dart board, "Nope." 

"Is Aunt Martha?" 

"Nada."

"Anna?" 

"Negative bro. Its just you and me tonight." Gabriel walked across the room and pulled the darts out of the board. Cas sat down at his desk and started working on his homework, "Where are they?" 

"Mom and Aunt Martha both picked up extra shifts and Anna is out with her boyfriend." Gabriel sat on the edge of Cas' desk, "You got any plans bro?" Cas nodded, "Dean wants to hang out at his house tonight." 

"Oh Dean? Really? You guys haven't done anything together in months. Why now?" Gabriel pulled a piece of chocolate out of his pocket and popped it in his mouth.

"His girlfriend dumped him so he has more time for his friends." Gabriel sighed, "Cas you know this isn't healthy for you right? Pining after Dean like this." 

"Strange that seems to be the general consensus of just about everyone I know. Yes Gabriel I know its not healthy but, I can't make it stop. I care about Dean. I want to be with Dean. I just know that it'll never happen." Gabriel placed a comforting hand on Cas' shoulder, "You'll get over it someday." Cas nodded, "Yes I'm sure I will." 

Gabriel walked back across the room and started his dart game again. He threw a dart at the board, "So what time do you have to be there?" 

"6:30." Gabriel nodded, "Alright. Do you want to make dinner or do you want me to?" Cas shrugged, "Do you want to make dinner?" 

"Not really but I guess its probably my turn huh?" Gabriel set the rest of his darts down and walked to the door, "You feel like pizza or sandwiches?"

"Pizza, Hawaiian, stuffed crust." Gabriel flashed a thumbs up, "I'll go call them then." And he was out the bedroom door and walking down the stairs. Cas stayed at his desk doing his homework.

Gabriel returned half an hour later with two boxes of pizza. Cas looked up from his homework as Gabriel walked in, "Where were you? You said you were going to call them." 

"I did. I called them before I left to go pick up the pizza." 

"Why did you go to pick it up? They could've delivered." Gabriel set the pizza down on Cas' desk, "Because, Castiel, they charge extra if you have them deliver and I didn't want to pay extra." Cas rolled his eyes and opened the box on top. It was Hawaiian so he grabbed a piece and kept working. 

"You know Cassie you don't have to do homework all the time. You're ahead in all your classes take a day off!" Cas sighed, "Gabriel if I want to remain ahead in all my classes then I need to continue to get my work done ahead of time." Gabriel rolled his eyes and took the second box of pizza over to his bed.

"What's in the box?" Cas asked. Gabriel chuckled, "What's in the fucking box!" Cas tilted his head and looked at Gabriel confused, "I already asked that and I don't think the use of an exploitive was nessecary." Gabriel rolled his eyes, "Its from a movie Cas."

"I don't understand that reference."

"Obviously. Its a meat lovers pizza with extra meat, peppers, onions, and pineapple." Cas wrinkled his nose, "That sounds absolutely disgusting." Gabriel shrugged, "It has stuffed crust. Don't hate it until you try it Cassie." 

"I'll pass thanks." Gabriel shrugged again and took a bite of his pizza. Cas alternated between eating his pizza and doing his homework. By the time Cas was done with 3 pieces Gabriel had devoured half of his.

"You ate all of that already?" 

"Yeah it's good little bro. You should try a slice before I eat it all." Gabriel held out a piece of the loaded pizza for Cas. Cas stared at it apprehensively. Gabriel rolled his eyes, "Come on Cassie it isn't gonna bite you. Just humor me and try a slice." 

"Fine." Cas walked over to Gabriel and grabbed the piece from him. It couldn't be too bad right? Slowly Cas took a bite of the pizza. 

"Well?" Gabriel sat up and placed his hands on his knees, "How is it?" Cas swallowed the bite, "It was...good actually. I was apprehensive at first but this actually doesn't taste bad at all." 

"Aha! There he is! That's my little brother!" Cas smiled, "Although I can't really compliment the pizza makers. These peppers are a little too brown." Gabriel rolled his eyes, "And there's the real Castiel, the funless nerd boy." 

"I am not offended by that statement." Cas walked back over to the desk with the pizza and continued to do his homework. Gabriel finished as much of his pizza as he could and then got out his laptop. 

After a awhile Cas closed his book, "Gabriel what time is it?" Gabriel glanced at the clock in the comer of his computer screen, "6 o'clock little brother." Cas put his finished homework in his bag, "I'm going to head over to Dean's now." 

"You want a ride there?" Cas shook his head, "No thank you I'll walk." Gabriel nodded, "Call me if you need anything." 

"I will, Goodbye Gabriel."

"Don't get pregnant!" Cas rolled his eyes, "Goodbye Gabriel!" He walked down the stairs and out the front door. 

The walk to Dean's house didn't take very long and when Cas got there he knocked and walked inside. 

"Mrs. Singer? Mr. Singer? Is anyone home?" Cas shut the door behind him as he walked in. 

"Cas! Hey!" Dean came down the stairs, his face was flushed and his pants were undone. Cas' eyes widened, "I'm sorry Dean was I interrupting something?" Dean shook his head, "Nah I was just...in the bathroom. You're early though."

"My apologies. It takes less time to walk to your house than I remembered." Dean walked down the stairs and put his hand on Cas' shoulder, "Its just cause you walk faster now." Cas smiled, "Probably." 

"Alright I got some snacks in the kitchen. My Aunt and Uncle are at Jo's play so they'll be gone for a while and Sam is at his weird friend Andy's house spending the night. So we have the entire place to ourselves." Dean grinned, "Pretty awesome right?" Cas nodded, "Very awesome indeed. Where should we retire to?" 

"My room. I'll grab a bunch of snacks and meet you up there." Cas nodded and headed up the stairs while Dean went to the kitchen for snacks. 

When Cas got to Dean's room his laptop was sitting open on his desk. Cas walked over to shut it but something on the screen caught his eye. Was that? Cas leaned down for a closer look. Oh God it was. Dean was watching porn. 

Cas didn't know what to do. It was normal for boys his age to watch porn, although Cas never had and he'd never actually seen proof that other boys his age did. Until now.

Cas stared at the computer screen unsure of what to do. Dean could be up here any minute, but Cas was kind of curious about what made pornography so alluring. Cas took a deep breath and, with shaking fingers, pressed play.

<3 <3 <3

Dean walked up the stairs, his arms full of snacks. He had a bag of popped popcorn, a box of Hostess Streusel Cakes, a bag of chips with a container of salsa, and a two liter of mountain dew. 

"Hey Cas I've got the supplies we need for a guys night in." Dean walked in his room and froze. Cas was sitting at Dean's desk with Dean's laptop open in front of him. And he was watching porn.

"Dean!" Cas pushed the chair away from the desk. Unfortunately he pushed a little too hard and him and the chair fell to the floor. Cas looked up at Dean with a face full of embarrassment. Dean set the snacks down on his bed, "Uh Cas you OK?" 

"You left your computer on and when I walked in this is what was on the screen and I was curious as to why pornography is so alluring to boys of our age so I clicked play and then the video started and I don't understand." Cas was standing now pacing the room, "If the pizza man truly loves the baby sitter, why does he keep slapping her rear? It's all so complex." 

"Cas dude calm down," Dean walked over and stopped Cas from pacing, "It's OK to watch porn Cas, you don't have to be so embarrassed. Also, the pizza man doesn't really love the baby sitter. They're actors Cas, they're acting." 

"Dean my pants are incredibly tight and I don't know why." Dean chuckled, "You have a boner Cas." Cas looked at Dean confused, "How do I make it go away?" 

"Seriously? You've never had a boner before?" Cas shook his head, "Well, I kind of have a couple times. Around my crush." 

"Who's your crush?" Cas' eyes widened and his face turned redder than a tomato, "It is not of import. Anyways how do I get rid of this 'boner' it's incredibly uncomfortable." 

"What you don't get rid of it when you get one around your crush?" Cas shrugged, "Usually it isn't this bad and it just kind of wears off after a while." Dean nodded, "OK well you're gonna have to masturbate Cas." 

"I have to what?" 

"Masturbate. Touch yourself. You know." Cas stared at Dean with wide eyes. Dean scoffed, "You've never masturbated have you?" Cas shook his head. Dean sighed, "Well um I could uh let you watch a video on how to?" 

"That sounds a little weird Dean." Dean shrugged, "I don't really know what else to do man." Cas blushed and looked at the floor. Dean sighed and blurted, "I could show you how? I mean you're my best friend so it wouldn't be that weird for me to uh help you out." 

"Dean you don't have to do that." Dean felt himself starting to blush. 'Technically I'm just helping out my friend right? No homo. No homo.' Dean sighed, "It's no big deal Cas. Just don't let this leave this room." 

"Of course Dean. I won't tell anyone." Dean nodded and took a deep breath, "OK so first you need to take off your clothes. Then lay down on the bed." Cas nodded and tentatively undressed. Dean watched Cas undress and holy damn when did his best friend become so hot? Like how had Dean not noticed how attractive Cas was? Dean had seen Cas shirtless plenty of times but this time, watching Cas slowly strip to nothing in front of him, it was giving Dean a boner. 

Cas laid down on Dean's bed with his legs spread apart, his hands splayed across his toned chest and stomach and his hard dick right in the open for Dean to see, "Like this Dean?" Dean's mouth was inexplicably dry. He had never been so turned on before in his life. Why was Cas turning him on so much? Cas is his best friend. He doesn't like guys right? Right?

"Yeah Cas that's good," Dean swallowed hard and started to strip. Cas cleared his throat, "What are you doing Dean?" 

"Well if I'm gonna show you to do this right I should probably be naked don't you think?" Cas' blush deepened even more and he watched Dean undress. Dean smirked and made sure to strip extra slowly and sensually. Strip tease for his best friend, No homo.

Dean opened the top drawer on his nightstand and pulled out a bottle of lube. Then he climbed on the bed straddling Cas' legs, "Wish I had a bigger bed right now." Cas' pupils were wide and blown black with lust, "This is fine Dean." Dean nodded, "Right so you're gonna want to use some lube to get started, it makes it easier." Dean squirted some lube into his palm. Cas reached out his hand for some and Dean squirted some into Cas' palm as well.

"OK so you're going to want to spread the lube liberally all over yourself." Dean reached down and grabbed the base of his hard cock. Slowly he spread the lube around his cock trying hard not to let a moan escape his throat. Cas mimicked his actions but couldn't hold back his moans. 

"God Cas, you moan like a porn star." Dean started stroking himself twisting his wrist and teasing the sensitive skin underneath his head. Cas moaned loudly as he started stroking his own cock. 

"Dean am I doing this right?" Cas was panting and moaning and fuck was it hot. Dean groaned, "Yeah Cas you're doing great. Here let me-" Without thinking about it Dean reached out and grabbed Cas' dick. Cas moaned and gripped the sheets.

Dean was on auto pilot now. He lined his and Cas' dicks up together and wrapped his hand around both of them. Cas was moaning, writhing, and fucking Dean's hand. Dean could feel his climax starting to build and knew he wouldn't last much longer.

"Dean, I feel, oh god," Cas panted and reached out intertwining his and Dean's fingers. Dean started pumping them faster, "It's your climax Cas. You're going to cum. Cum for me Cas." 

Cas thrusts were becoming erratic and with seconds he was cuming with a shout of Dean's name. 

"Oh fuck, Cas!" Dean came his hot seed mixing with Cas'. Fuck that was hot. Dean slowly laid down on top of Cas in the pool of drying cum. Their fingers were still locked. Dean sighed and placed a barely there kiss to Cas' chest, "You OK Cas?" 

"Yes Dean that was. Wow. Now I know why boys our age watch pornography." Dean chuckled, "Yeah well, now you know. So next time you can just take care of it yourself." Cas sighed, "Right. I'll be able to do it myself." 

"Well we better get this cleaned up before it dries." Dean got off of Cas and walked to the bathroom. He grabbed a rag and got it wet then went back to the room. Cas was still on the bed when Dean walked in. 

Dean walked up to Cas and started to clean the drying cum off his chest and stomach. Cas sighed, "Dean, this isn't going to make our friendship awkward is it?" Dean shook his head, "Nah, we're good Cas. This was just a uh favor for a friend don't even think twice about it." Cas looked like someone just ran over his cat, "Right, friends. Well thank you Dean for helping me further my education but I think I should leave now." 

"But we haven't even done anything!" 

"I have to go. Gabriel is at home by himself and probably in need of some company. Goodbye Dean." 

"Cas wait!" Cas quickly got dressed and left. Dean stood in the middle of his room. He felt like he had just been stood up. Like a one night stand. Why did Cas leaving hurt so much? It wasn't like Dean was in love with Cas right? Dean wasn't so sure anymore.

<3 <3 <3 

Cas slammed the door when he walked in the house. Gabriel poked his head out of their room, "You're home early. Cas what's wrong? What happened?" Cas threw himself into his brothers arms tears streaming down his face, "Gabriel you were right. Pining after Dean will only bring me disappointment and heartbreak. I need to move on. Help me move on Gabriel. I don't want to love him anymore." 

"Hey Cassie its OK. I wish I could help bro but you can't change who you love. Even if you try to hate him you'll still love him. I just wish you didn't have to feel this pain." Gabriel held Cas tightly as Cas cried, "I love him Gabriel. I want to hate him but I love him." 

"I know Cassie. I know."

<3 <3 <3

"What do you need brother?"

"Benny it's about Cas." 

"What is it Dean? What's wrong is he in trouble?" 

"No I'm in trouble," Dean took a deep breath and squeezed his phone tightly, "Benny I screwed up. I screwed up so bad. Benny I'm such a fuck up."

"What did you do Dean?" 

"I'm in love with Cas."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Meat lovers pizza with extra meat stuffed crust onions peppers and pineapple is actually delicious.


	4. Love hurts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this chapter is ok . I apologize for taking so long things have been messed up around here.

The rest of sophomore year and senior year had passed without incident. Graduation and on to college.

Castiel hadn't mentioned that one night to Dean since it had happened. They had both avoided the subject as best as they could. There was still a limgering awkwardness in the air though. Charlie had asked Cas about it but he had shrugged it off.

Now summer was over. The first semester of college was starting and Cas and Dean were moving into their off campus apartment. It had been Cas' mom's idea that the boys share an apartment instead of a dorm room since it would be significantly cheaper for the two.

Charlie had left a week ago to go to MIT and Benny had gone to Harvard. Cas and Dean stayed close to home and decided to go to the university of Kansas. Dean didn't want to be far away from Sammy and Cas didn't want to be far away from Dean.

Cas was standing in his room unpacking the last box when Dean came in. Dean knocked against the door frame, "Can I come in?" Cas didn't even look up from his task, "Of course Dean." Dean walked in and sat on Cas' bed, "So um there's this party at one of the frat houses tonight and I was wondering if you would want to come with me?" 

"I'll pass." Dean sighed, "Aw come on Cas! Don't leave me hanging. You're my best friend and we're at college!" 

"Which is exactly why I'm not going Dean." Cas stood up and faced Dean, "We are here to get an education. If I wanted to destroy my brain with alcohol and waste my life partying I wouldn't be paying the price of my tuition and books for it. I would have stayed back home and got back together with Balthazar." 

"That guy was a douche I'm glad you dumped him." 

"I quite enjoyed his company on most occasions. And he was incredibly pleasurable in bed." Dean glared at Cas, "Oh yeah? Even better than me?" Cas scoffed, "That was three years ago Dean, and if I remember right you were just doing a favor for a friend." Dean stood, "Well maybe it was more than that did you ever think about that?" 

"Why would I? You said it was a favor and that we should just forget about it! So why are you bringing it up now? Huh Dean?" 

"I don't have to fucking deal with this." Dean walked to the doorway, "You coming with or not?" Cas sighed, "No I'm not going." 

"Whatever." Dean slammed the front door on his way out. Cas sighed and slumped down on his bed. He knew this would happen eventually. He knew they would have to talk about that night. That beautiful beautiful night when Dean had given Cas a hand job. Cas' first hand job. Cas hadn't let anyone touch him since. Not even Balthazar, no matter how much Balth had insisted. Cas only said those things to make Dean angry and it had worked. Now though he wished he hadn't.

When had his life become so fucked up?

<3 <3 <3

"Benny I'm such a fuck up."

"What did you do Dean?" 

"I fell in love with Cas." 

Three years. Dean hadn't said anything for three years. He'd kept it to himself all this time, just pretending that nothing was wrong. Pretending that he wasn't in love with his best friend. 

Cas hadn't said anything to Dean about that night since it had happened. Which made Dean belive that Cas didn't feel the same way about him. So Dean tried not to care. He flirted with girls, dated girls, had sex with girls, but none of them were Cas.

Dean kicked a tree that was nearby. How could he be so stupid? He had fucked up then and he was still fucking up now. Cas didn't want him. So why couldn't Dean just get over it? 

"Fuck this, "Dean walked into the frat house party and hit on the first single girl he saw. He grabbed a beer and started drinking. By the end of the night Dean would be hard pressed to remember his own name.

He got the girl to agree to go home with him. They stumbled back to Dean and Cas' apartment and started making out once the door was shut. Dean grabbed the girl by her hips and pulled her up against him. She pressed her palm into his groin and started to massage his dick through his clothes.

Dean decided it was time for the clothes to go away. He pulled off his shirt and then tugged off the girls shirt too. She wiggled out of it then slipped her short skirt off. Dean pushed his jeans to the floor followed by his boxers. 

The girl sank to her knees in front of Dean and blew on his hardening dick. Dean groaned as his hips thrust forward seeking friction. The girl wrapped her mouth around Dean's head and sucked. Dean let out a loud moan and wrapped his fingers in the girls hair. 

The girl slowly took in more of Dean's erection licking and sucking. She hollowed out her cheeks and let Dean fuck her face. Apparently she didn't have a gag reflex because she just took it like it was nothing. 

Dean was moaning loudly not even trying to be quiet. But he was also drunk. He forgot that he wasn't the only person in the apartment.

"Dean? What's going on? Its 4 a.m. and I have a class tomo- DEAN WHAT THE HELL!" Cas was standing in the doorway to the small living room where Dean was currently standing receiving a blow job from some girl whose name he couldn't remember.

"Hey Cas. Wanna join?" Dean winked at Cas. Cas frowned, "Dean this is highly inappropriate." The girl had stopped her blow job and was gathering her clothes, "I'm sorry. I thought he was single. If I would've known that he had a boyfriend I wouldn't have agreed to come back with him."

"Boyfriend? What?" 

"Its OK I'll leave. Sorry to have woken you up." The girl left without another word. Dean looked at Cas, "Boyfriends? Why the fuck would she think we're boyfriends?" 

"Presumably because of my reaction and the fact that we live together." Dean scoffed, "Whatever. She's fucking stupid then. We obviously aren't boyfriends. You're too much of a stuck up asshole for me to date." Cas looked hurt but Dean was drunk so he went on, "I mean for fucks sake. Look at us Cas. Fucking boyfriends? Yeah fucking right. I wouldn't date you if someone fucking paid me to. You aren't even any good in bed and I would know that first hand." 

"Dean. That's enough. You're drunk." 

"Fuck you Cas. Go fuck yourself." Dean tried to shove past Cas to go to his bedroom but his pants were still wrapped around his ankles. He tripped and fell face first onto the carpeted floor. Dean laughed, "Fucking klutz." Then he laid down and closed his eyes. He fell asleep with his face in the carpet.

<3 <3 <3

Castiel sighed as he lifted Dean up and dragged him to his bedroom. He laid Dean on his bed sideways just in case he puked during the night. Castiel wandered into the kitchen and filled a glass with water and grabbed a bottle of aspirin. He walked back to Dean's room and placed them on Dean's nightstand. Then he grabbed Dean's small waste basket and placed it by the side of the bed.

Castiel put Deans boxers back on and pulled off Dean's flannel. Then he pulled the sheet and blanket over Dean so he wouldn't freeze during the remainder of the night. Cas gently caressed Deans cheek, "I'm sorry Dean. For everything." Cas leaned over and placed a small kiss to Dean's forehead then he left the room.

Cas sat on the edge of his bed and rubbed his temples. Now he was starting to get a stress headache. He sighed and looked at his alarm clock, 5:16. No point going back to bed now. 

Cas stripped and wrapped a towel around his waist. He walked to the small bathroom and took a short hot shower. Once showered and dressed he got into the medicine cabinet, grabbing the bottle of advil and taking two pills. 

He wandered back into the kitchen and grabbed a pack of pop tarts out of the cupboard. He glanced at his watch, "Well I better head to class." Cas grabbed a piece of paper and a pen and quickly left a note for Dean.

He picked his bag up on the way out the door.

<3 <3 <3

Dean woke up with a hangover from hell. He groaned when the light from his window hit his eyes, "God what time is it?" He rolled over and looked at the time on his phone, 1:30.

"Shit I'm late!" He sat up too quickly in bed and instantly felt nauseous. Dean leaned over the side of his bed where his wastebasket was. He took a couple deep breaths until his nausea subsided.

When he looked up at his bedside table he saw a glass of water, some aspirin, and a note. He took the pills and read the small note:  
'Dean you got really drunk last night so I left these here for when you wake up. Don't forget to eat.  
-Cas'

Dean couldn't help it, he smiled when he read Cas' note. Leave it to Cas to be the absolute best friend in the whole world and take care of Dean's sorry ass.

Dean slowly got out of bed and went to the bathroom. He splashed some cold water on his face hoping it would help his throbbing head. He trudged to the kitchen and found another note on the fridge. He pulled it off and read it.

'Dean, I am going to email your professors after my first class to let them know you won't be in class today. Get some rest and sleep off your hangover. I have to work so I won't be home until late. If you bring home another girl, please take it to your bedroom. -Cas'

Dean frowned. Bring home another girl? What did that mean? He tapped his chin trying to remember what happened last night. He remembered bits and pieces: going to the party, drinking, a girl with blond hair?, a blow job in the living room, oh. Dean could feel himself starting to blush. Cas must've walked in on that.

Embarrassed, Dean went to his room to grab his phone. He texted Cas.

'Hey whatever happened last night, I'm sorry.'

A minute later he got a reply.

'Good afternoon Dean. I'm glad that you're awake and seemingly well. Don't worry about what happened last night it was no big deal. I'm fine.' 

I'm fine? Why did Cas say that? What did Dean do last night? 

'Cas I didn't hurt you when I was drunk did I?'

A few minutes passed with no reply. Dean rubbed his hand over his face. If he hurt his best friend he would never be able to forgive himself.

His phone buzzed. He opened the text.

'No. Like I said I'm fine. Don't worry about it Dean just get some rest. I've got to go my class is starting.' 

'This conversation isn't over Cas.' Dean sent the text and dropped his phone on his pillow.

Deciding he would be bored if he stayed at the apartment Dean threw on some jeans and a plaid over shirt and left. He got in his baby and drove around looking for the nearest bar. He found one not too far from his apartment called 'The Cobalt Room.' 

He parked in front of the bar and went inside. The place was nice. The walls were white and all the furnishings were blue. Blue tables, blue chairs, blue cups, blue everywhere. His stomach turned at the sight, all he could think about was the color of Cas' eyes. 

Dean sighed and sat down at the bar. A cute bartender with red hair came up to him, "What'll it be?" 

"I'll have a whiskey, double shot." The girl smiled, "That's a bit strong to start off with. Rough day?" Dean chuckled, "You have no idea." 

"Well let me see some id and I'll be happy to get you some." Dean groaned, "Can't you just give it to me? Just trust that I'm 21?" The bartender laughed, "Sorry no can do. With all the underage college kids coming in here all the time trying to get beer we have to id you." 

Dean pulled his fake id out of his wallet and handed it to her, "That good enough?" 

"Wow, you're actually 21. I'm impressed. I'll be right back with that whiskey." Dean smiled, "Thank you miss?" 

"Lydia, my name's Lydia." Dean smirked, "I'm Dean." Lydia set Dean's drink down in front of him, "Well Dean, why don't you tell me what's bothering you?" 

"Its a real fucked up situation Lydia. I don't think you have the time." Lydia smirked, "I don't get off till 7. I've got plenty of time." Dean downed his drink and set the empty glass back down on the bar, "Well if I'm gonna bare my fricking soul here I'm gonna need more whiskey." 

Lydia filled his glass again, "Start talking Dean." 

"Well when I was like, I don't know, six I think I met this kid. He was weird but I liked him and we became friends. In middle school something changed between us and he started acting...different around me. Then when we were in high school I uh...." 

"What? What happened in high school?" Dean sighed, "I gave him a hand job. I walked in my room and he was watching porn and one thing lead to another."

"Did you like him?" 

"Well yeah he's my best friend." Lydia shook her head, "That's not what I meant. I mean as more than a friend. You don't just give handjobs to a guy because he's your best friend." 

"Well, shit yeah I like the guy. I think I kind of always have since I met him. But I fucked up and told him it didn't mean anything to me and he just left. It probably didn't mean anything to him. I doubt he feels the same way I do." 

"Have you ever asked him?" Dean frowned, "What?" Lydia smiled, "Did you ever once think that maybe you should ask him how he feels? Maybe he does feel the same way and he's just too afraid to tell you. Be a man Dean. Just tell the guy you love him before you lose him for good." 

"That's it? Just tell him?" Lydia nodded, "That is my advice to you. Just tell him. If he doesn't feel the same way I'm sure you two can still be friends." Dean drank his whiskey, "Yeah, well we'll see." 

<3 <3 <3

Castiel quietly opened the door to the apartment. He didn't want to wake Dean up. He shut the door just as quietly and set his bag down by the door.

He flipped the light switch on in the living room and saw Dean asleep on the couch. He walked over to Dean and gently shook him awake, "Dean, wake up."

"Cas?" Dean sat up on the couch and rubbed his eyes, "Cas is that you?" 

"Who else has a key to our apartment Dean?" Dean shrugged, "Sammy?" Cas sighed, "Right well I thought you might like to go sleep in your own bed. Why are you sleeping on the couch anyways?" 

"I was waiting for you to get home." Cas frowned, "Why?" Dean stood up, stretching. Cas may or may not have stared at the smooth expanse of skin shown above the waistline of Dean's jeans. Dean cleared his throat, "Because we need to talk." 

"About what?" Cas walked into the kitchen and got a glass of water. Dean followed Cas into the kitchen, "About a lot of stuff. Starting with last night." 

"I told you Dean, its no big deal don't worry about it." 

"What happened Cas? Why don't you want to talk about it? What did I do last night to you?" Cas sighed, "Dean I'm tired. I have a class tomorrow morning and I need some sleep. Can't you just accept that nothing happened last night and just move on?" 

"Well I obviously did something last night Cas because you don't want to talk about it. And if there's one thing I know about you, when somebody hurts you you just shrug it off and run. You never want to talk about it Cas. Tell me what I did. Did I hit you Cas?" Cas slammed his cup down on the counter, "You want to know so bad? What you did last night? Fine. You went to that frat party, got drunk, brought home some girl, I walked in on her giving you a blow job, she left, and then you proceeded to insult me. That's what happened. You said that yo- nobody would date me because I am too much of a 'stuck up asshole'. And you're right."

"Cas-" 

"No Dean you're right. I am a stuck up asshole. Nobody wants me, but that's alright because at least when I'm single I don't have to hear about how much of a huge disappointment I am to everyone and how much I suck in bed." Cas wiped the tears off his face.

"Cas," Dean stepped closer, "Who said you sucked in bed? Was it Balthazar? You never told me why that ended." 

"No it wasn't Balthazar. You said it to me you asshat. Balthazar and I never did anything. That's why he left me because I wouldn't have sex with him." Dean's eyes widened, "But you said-"

"Well I lied." Cas pushed past Dean and went to his room. He slammed the door behind him. It took three seconds before he succumbed to the sobs that had been threatening to overtake him. He sat on the floor with his back against the door, his knees pulled up to his chest, his arms wrapped around his legs, and his face buried in his arms. And he cried.

Cas heard Dean's door slam shut.

"I wish I didn't love you Dean."

<3 <3 <3 

"Cas wait!" Dean followed Cas out of the kitchen to his room and got the door slammed in his face. Dean sighed and rubbed his face with his hands. 

"Cas?" He reached out to knock on the door, "Cas I'm sorry." He could hear Cas crying on the other side of the door. Goddamnit why does he always have to fuck everything up? 

Dean considered just walking in to Cas' room but didn't. Instead he walked back into his own room and slammed the door. He picked his phone up and turned the screen on, which just made everything worse.

His phone background was a picture of him and Cas when they had gone to senior prom together last year. Dean had asked Cas to the prom because no girl would go with him and Balthazar had dumped Cas. So they went together as friends. 

Dean smiled at the picture. Cas looked so handsome in his black tux, his hair combed as best as they could, his blue tie that made his eyes seem even bluer, his smile that made other people smile just by looking at it, and of course his arm around Dean's waist as close as they can be without actually being joined at the lips.

"God I've really fucked this up this time." He swiped the screen and went to his contacts list. He stopped on the number he wanted and hit call.

"Hey brother, what's up?" 

"Hey Benny sorry to bother you so late."

"Its not a problem Dean. You know I'm always here if you need me. So what's wrong?"

"Benny its Cas. I've hurt him really bad this time and I don't know how to make it better." 

"What did you do Dean?"

"I told him that nobody would date him because he was a stuck up asshole."

"Dean."

"In my defense I was drunk when I said it. I would never say anything like that to Cas if I was sober."

"Well, what do you think you should do?"

"Apologize. Maybe get him some expensive chocolate, he likes chocolate."

"Maybe you should tell him how you really feel Dean."

"I can't Benny he can never know how I feel."

"Why the hell not?"

"Because I break everything I touch. I don't want to ruin Cas' life. He can do better than me."

"How can he do better than someone who loves him for all he is? How can he do better than someone who knows everything about him and has been there for him his entire life?"

"If that someone isn't me that's how." 

"Dean just tell him."

"No Benny. Cas doesn't know that I love him and he can't. Its for his own good."

"Whatever you say brother."


	5. Why does my heart cry?

Two weeks. For two weeks Cas had avoided Dean like the plague. He didn't want to be around Dean because it made his heart hurt. So he avoided him. He would get up early, shower, get ready, make breakfast for himself and Dean, quickly eat, and then leave for class. He wouldn't get home until after Dean was already in bed.

Sometimes he would leave notes for Dean like:

'I made you breakfast because if I don't I know you won't eat.-Cas'

'Don't forget your history book today.-Cas'

'I won't be home until late. Don't wait up.-Cas'

'If you insist on bringing home women when you're drunk please be quiter with them.-Cas'

And sometimes Dean would text Cas with a response like:

'Thanks for breakfast Cas you always were a better cook than me.'

'Quit acting like my mom I'll remember my damn book.'

'I forgot my book. You owe me an I told you so.'

'Are you staying out late to avoid me or to get laid?'

'That wasn't a funny joke I'm sorry Cas.'

'Please talk to me.'

'Damn it Cas we live in the same goddamn apartment you have to talk to me sooner or later.'

'Fine be a prissy bitch I don't care.'

'Maybe find someone to get the stick out of your ass before you come home today.'

'Don't tell me what to do Cas I'll be as loud as I want.'

'I'm sorry Cas. I've been kind of an asshole lately. Please stop ignoring me.'

Cas sighed and put his phone away. He couldn't keep ignoring Dean like this. Dean was right, they lived together, he would have to talk to him sooner or later.

Cas thought about it the entire class period and finally made a decision. He grabbed his bag and quickly walked the short way to his apartment. Dean was right, Cas needed to stop being a prissy bitch. 

Cas walked into the apartment and dropped his bag on the floor. Dean looked up from the book he was reading at the table.

"Hey Cas, long time no see."

"Hello Dean, its only been two weeks." Dean shrugged, "Not like you were counting or anything." Cas sat down in the chair across from Dean, "Dean, I need to apologize for my behavior. I was being selfish and irrational. To be perfectly honest I'm not even sure why I was mad. I'm sorry Dean."

"Cas," Dean shut the book, it was history, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said those things to you. It was rude and wrong and you're my best friend."

"Dean you were drunk."

"Don't defend me Cas. It was still wrong. I shouldn't have come home that smashed and insulted you. I'm sorry. Next time I won't come home when I'm drunk." Cas sighed, "It doesn't matter Dean. I think we both know what the real problem is." 

"Yeah? What?" Cas looked Dean in the eyes, "High school." Dean shook his head, "Come on Cas. I mean I know Alastair bullied you a lot but it wasn't that bad. I was there to defend you more often than not."

"That's not what I'm talking about Dean and you know it. I'm talking about when you and I engaged in a sexual act together." Dean paled, "Cas we don't need to talk about that. Its water under the bridge." 

"Dean that has been hanging over our heads since it happened. I refused to talk about it hoping you would take the initiative but you didn't. Things have never quite been the same since then." 

"Cas it really isn't that important. I gave you a hand job in high school because you needed me to and I'm you're friend. That's it. That's all it was. There its been talked about." 

"Dean its not that easy."

"Sure it is. We talked about it its done." Dean stood up from the table and walked into the kitchen, "Wanna order a pizza for dinner?" That was the signal to Cas that this conversation was officially over. 

"Pizza sounds great." 

"Alright I'll call in. You want Hawaiian stuffed crust right?" Cas smiled, "Yeah, you getting the Gabriel special?" 

"Uh yeah. Dude your brother was a genius when he invented that pizza. Best pizza ever." Cas smirked, "I'll have to let him know how you feel about that." 

"Shut up. Hello I need to make an order. Uh pick up. Dean Winchester. One medium stuffed crust Hawaiian pizza and one large stuffed crust meat lovers pizza with onions, peppers, and pineapple. Yeah that's it. Okie dokey." 

Dean walked back to the table and sat in his chair, "Pizza will be ready in like 20 minutes. You wanna pick it up?" Cas shook his head, "Not really." Dean shrugged, "Alright I'll go out and get it." Dean grabbed his wallet, phone, and keys, "Hey Cas you maybe wanna come with? I mean it would be nice to have someone to talk to on the drive there."

"Dean I have to study for this test." Dean sighed, "Yeah, right. I'll go by myself then." Dean opened the door and left. Cas closed his book and sighed, "I don't know what to do." He picked up his phone and called the one person who could help him.

"What's up baby bro?"

"Gabriel I need your help."

<3 <3 <3 

Dean turned the radio up to fill the silence. When Cas came home early to apologize he definitely wasn't expecting him to bring up the 'high school hand job' incident. Cas was right though, Dean knew it too he just didn't want to face the facts. The fact being that it didn't mean anything to Cas. What happened between them was just Cas exploring the joys of jacking off for the first time. Dean couldn't hold on to the hope that it was more than that.

Dean parked in front of the Pizza Hut and walked inside. The perky blond looked up when he walked in. She smiled, "Do you have an order to pick up handsome?" 

"Yeah, for Dean." She over exaggeratedly batted her eyelashes, "Are you Dean?" Dean nodded, "Yep the one and only. There should be a medium and a large. Plus I'm kinda in a hurry." The blond nodded, "Sure thing hun, I'll go get those for you right away." 

"Thanks," Dean gave her a fake smile. She giggled and sashayed her hips a little too much as she walked back to get the pizza. Dean rolled his eyes, like he'd be interested in that ditzy stick figure. Her hair isn't even the right color. 

The blond returned with the pizzas, "That'll be $33.57." Dean handed her his card to pay for the pizza. She reached for it and her fingers lingered a little too long on Dean's. 

"So if you don't have any plans for tonight," she smiled widely and handed Dean his card back, "I get off in five minutes and I could use a coffee and maybe more." Dean cleared his throat, "Well that is a fantastic offer but I have to get back home to my boyfriend so..." Dean took pleasure watching her face go from seductive to horrified, "Um well then have a nice night." 

Dean grabbed the pizza and left without another word. Once he was outside he realized what he had said to her. Sure Cas was waiting on him to come home with the pizza but, Cas wasn't his boyfriend even if that's what Dean wanted. He felt a little guilty lying to the blond pizza girl but didn't think about it too much as he started the car and drove back to the apartment. 

At least things would be back to normal with Cas. Dean turned up the radio and sang along with Journey until he got back. When he opened the door the lights were all off.

"Cas?" Dean set the pizza on the table and turned around to shut the door. He flipped on the light switch, "Cas? Are you here?" Dean looked around and saw that Cas' shoes were still by the door. 

"Hey Cas? I've got the pizza. Cas? Where are you man?" Dean walked into Cas' bedroom not expecting what he found. 

"Hello Dean." Dean's jaw dropped at the sight before him. Cas was sitting on the edge of his bed wearing nothing but his boxers and a dark blue tie. Dean opened and closed his mouth a couple times before his brain finally caught up to the situation, "Uh, Cas? What's uh, what's going on?" 

Cas stood up letting his hand drag down his chest until it fell to his side, "What do you mean Dean?" Dean gulped, "Um, well I brought back the pizza. I-if you're uh, hungry." Cas smiled and Dean noticed the faint blush starting to rise on Cas' bare chest, "Well actually I need your help." 

"With what?" Dean's throat was becoming increasingly dry and his dick was becoming unbearably hard. Cas walked closer to Dean swaying his hips just the right amount. He stopped when he was right in front of Dean, close enough that Dean could see the nervousness in Cas' eyes.

"Dean I have a problem." Cas looked up at Dean through his lashes, "You see, I'm not very knowledgeable in the subject of intercourse. So I was hoping that maybe, you could educate me." Dean groaned, "Cas what's this about? Is this about the hand job?" 

Cas gently placed his hand on Dean's chest, "No Dean. This is about me and you and my bed." Dean cautiously placed his hands on Cas' hips, "You don't have to do this Cas."

"But I want to," Cas leaned forward and whispered in Deans ear, "But only if you want to, too." Dean nodded, "Yeah, yeah I want to. What do you want me to teach you?" Cas smiled and kissed a trail from Dean's ear to the collar of his shirt, "Well I was kinda hoping you'd teach me how to give good head. Maybe I could pick up where that blond skank left off two weeks ago." 

"Yeah, yeah I mean I'll try." Dean pushed Cas away from him, "Get on your knees." Cas obeyed, immediately dropping to his knees and gazing up at Dean. Dean rubbed his erection through his jeans, "Fuck Cas, you look so good for me, on your knees." Cas leaned forward and kissed the bulge in Dean's jeans. 

"I wanna make you feel good Dean. Teach me how to make it good." Dean groaned and watched as Cas undid his pants, pulling them down to Dean's ankles. Dean wrapped his fingers in his best friends thick dark hair, tugging just a little bit. Cas moaned and pulled down Deans boxers. 

Dean gasped as the cool air hit his hard cock. Cas looked up at Dean, "Now what do I do Dean?" Dean licked his lips, "Now you gotta do what you do. I mean I don't really know man. Just do whatever you think is good." Cas nodded, "Yes Dean." 

Slowly Cas wrapped his hand around Dean's hard member. Dean let out a quiet moan as Cas began stroking up and down. Dean's hips bucked into Cas' fist, "Oh God Cas. Go faster." Cas licked his lips and then wrapped his lips around the head of Dean's cock.

"Fuck! Cas! That's, that's good." Cas experimentally sucked on the head making Dean moan, loudly. Dean was trying his best not to just bury his dick in Cas' mouth and fuck his face. 

"Cas, keep going." Slowly Cas took more of Dean into his mouth. Deans hips bucked a little making Cas choke. 

"Oh fuck! Sorry Cas. I didn't mean to do that. Sorry." Cas coughed a couple more times before looking up at Dean, "Perhaps I should try something else. It doesn't seem like I'm good at this." Dean rubbed his thumb across Cas' cheek, "If that's what you want baby. You can try whatever you want." 

Cas leaned into Dean's hand and Dean continued to rub his thumb on Cas' cheek. Cas' eyes drifted shut and he sighed, "Dean can we do something like what we did in high school? At least I'm a little more familiar with that." Dean nodded, "Sure baby, we can do something like that. Do you want me to take the lead?" 

"Yes." 

"Alright angel, get on the bed." Cas obeyed slowly getting off his knees and on the bed. Dean admired Cas' hard erection that was obvious in the thin boxers he was wearing. 

Cas laid on the bed on his back looking up at Dean innocently. Dean pulled his shirt over his head and threw it on the floor. He walked over to the bed and climbed on top of Cas, straddling his friends hips. 

"Cas, before this goes any farther what do you want from this?" Cas tilted his head in that adorable way he did when he was confused, "What do you mean?" Dean placed his hand on Cas' chest, "I mean, what is this to you? Is this just a friends with benefits type of thing? Or is it more of a...a experiment?" 

"Dean," Cas placed his hand on top of Dean's, "This is whatever you want it to be. As am I." Dean thought he knew what that meant but, "Cas what does that mean?" Cas laced their fingers together, "It means that I am whatever you want me to be. I am your friend if you want. I am your lover if you want. I am your brother if you you want. I am your enemy if you want. Whatever you want from me, of me, that's what I am." 

"Okay," Dean was a bit overwhelmed with that. What are you supposed to say to someone when they tell you something like that? There had to be some sort of catch. So at a loss for words Dean leaned forward and kissed Cas' forehead. He could feel Cas tense beneath him. 

Ah and there's the catch. Cas didn't want Dean. That was now obvious, with the way he reacted to the kiss. Cas didn't want Dean as his boyfriend. He wanted Dean as friends with benefits, and that hurt Dean more than he would ever say to anyone. 

So to ease his pain Dean did the one thing he thought would be best, "We need to set up boundaries." Cas looked a little hurt but nodded, "Of course Dean. What are your boundaries?" 

"No kissing." Cas looked confused, "But you just-"

"Yeah that was a mistake. I was caught up in the moment. But from now on no kissing. This just sex so no need to do something so intimate right?" In the dim lighting Dean thought that Cas looked, hurt by that. But Cas nodded and took his hand out of Deans, "No hand holding either then right?" 

"Uh, right," That dissapointed Dean but Cas was right. Dean said it was just sex, you don't hold hands during just sex. 

"Anything else Dean?" Cas' voice sounded strained but Dean just shrugged it off, "Um just no intimate couple stuff." Cas nodded, "Of course." Dean cleared his throat, "Alright then I'll take the lead and then you just kinda do whatever you feel is uh, right." 

Cas nodded and laid his arms by his sides, "I'll just let you take control then." Dean didn't know what to do. This was awkward. It was even more awkward now that they had set up boundaries than it was before. Way to fuck things up Dean.

Dean moved down Cas' body and licked a stripe up Cas' waning member. Cas shuddered and let out a quiet moan. Dean wrapped his hand around Cas' shaft and started to stroke him back to full hardness. Cas was moaning quietly which made Dean upset.

If there was one thing Dean prided himself on it was being able to bring pleasure to his partner. Dean leaned over and wrapped his lips around the head of Cas' cock. He heard the sharp intake of Cas' breath and took that as a go ahead. He started sucking vigorously which made Cas moan and buck his hips. 

"Dean, what are you, uuhhhh, doing?" Cas moaned loudly which made Deans pride swell. Dean slowly pulled off of Cas' dick, which was fully hard again, "I'm taking care of you Cas. I don't wanna be the only one to have fun here." Cas wrapped his fingers in Deans hair, "Then don't stop." Dean grinned and went back to work on Cas.

He could tell that Cas was trying his best not to buck into Deans mouth. Dean sucked harder and rubbed his tongue against the slit.

"Dean! Oh god I'm gonna come!" Dean pulled off and stroked Cas through his orgasm.

"Now its my turn," Dean straddled Cas' hips again smearing Cas' come on his own erection. Cas lifted his head to look at Dean, "Do you want me to-"

"No I wanna come on you." Cas groaned and let his head fall back on the pillow. Dean smirked and started to stroke his dick. He wrapped his hand around it and picked up the pace, twisting his wrist around the head. He picked up Cas' hand and set it on his sac, "Massage this, I'm close." Cas obeyed and started massaging Deans balls.

"Yeah that's it. I'm so close Cas." Cas moved his hand up and wrapped it around Dean's. Together they pushed Dean over the edge and he came with a shout of Cas' name. 

Dean fell to the side limp and sated. Cas got up and grabbed one of the shirts off the floor. He wiped himself off then tossed the shirt to Dean. 

"Get cleaned up the pizza is getting cold." Dean wiped himself up while Cas got dressed and left the room. Dean threw on his clothes and met Cas in the kitchen. 

"So, are we gonna talk about what to do now?" Cas shrugged, "Nothing to talk about Dean. It was just sex. It didn't even mean anything." Dean heard Cas sniffle, "Cas are you OK?" 

"I'm fine Dean. Just let's pretend that never happened." Dean walked up behind Cas and set his hand on Cas' shoulder, "Cas are you crying?" Cas shoved Dean away from him, "I said I'm fine! I'm going to bed." And with that Cas left Dean alone in the kitchen.

"Fine be like that!" Dean stormed out of the kitchen and grabbed his keys off the table. He slammed the door shut for good measure. 

Dean stomped out of the apartment building not paying attention to where he was walking. He ran right into someone and knocked them to the ground.

"Sorry," Dean held out his hand to help them up, "I didn't see you there." 

"Its alright," the woman he had knocked over took his hand and he helped her up. She was pretty with black hair, dark skin, and big brown eyes. She smiled at Dean, "I'm Lisa, I live in the building next door." 

"I'm Dean. Its nice to meet you. Sorry for running you over like that." Lisa waved her hand, "Its no big deal really. I'm not hurt at all so its fine. But I suppose if you wanted to make it up to me, there's a coffee shop down the block." 

"Of course, would you like to go out for a coffee?" Lisa grinned, "I'd love to." Dean linked his arm through hers and off they went to the coffee shop. After all the best way to get over someone is to move on.

<3 <3 <3 

"It didn't work," Cas wiped tears off his face, "You said if I appealed to his flesh it would work but it didn't." 

"Maybe you're just not his type Cassie. I can't help that." Cas wiped his nose on a tissue, "It was supposed to work Gabriel. It didn't now Dean thinks I just wanna be his friend with benefits. He set up boundaries Gabe! Boundaries! I can't kiss him! I can't hold his hand! Its just sex, he said that!" 

"Cassie I'm sorry. That tactic usually works. Maybe you should just, I don't know this is crazy but, maybe you should just tell him the truth!"

"I can't. Not after tonight. Nothing is gonna be the same now. He probably doesn't even like me." Cas heard Gabriel sigh, "Listen little bro, either tell him how you feel or move on. Those are your only options. I gotta go I'll call you tomorrow." 

"OK Gabriel. Goodnight."

"Night Cassie." Cas hung up and set his phone on his pillow. Gabriel was right, if Cas wanted Dean he was just gonna have to tell him. He stood up when he heard the front door open. Its now or never.

Cas walked out of his room, "Dean there's something important I need to tell you. I-" his words caught in his throat when he came around the corner and saw Dean sucking face with some dark haired girl.

Dean pulled away when he saw Cas, "Ah Cas! This is Lisa. Lisa this is my roommate Cas." Lisa walked forward and extended her hand, "Its nice to meet you." Cas glared at her hand before he shook it a little rougher than necessary, "Likewise." Lisa grimaced a little but said nothing.

"Now what did you need to say Cas? Lisa and I kinda had plans." He gestured towards his room when he said that. Cas could feel his heart breaking into irreparable pieces but he didn't want to break down in front of Dean. He steeled his nereves, schooled his features, and lied, "I just wanted to say that I forgot to put the leftovers away. So feel free to eat them if you want." 

"Thanks buddy," Dean smiled at Lisa, "Ready to go?" Lisa blushed, "Of course." Dean looked at Cas and waved, "Goodnight Cas. We'll uh try to keep the volume down." He winked and shut the door to his room.

Cas stared at the door, "Goodnight Dean." He turned and went back into his room shutting the door behind him. 

Mechanically he walked over to his bed and laid down. He turned his phone screen on to stare at the background. It was a picture that had been taken when they arrived at the college. Dean was smiling with his arm around Cas' waist and Cas was leaning against him laughing. It was Cas' favorite picture of the two of them together.

Cas looked at the picture until he couldn't see it through his tears. He threw his phone on the floor and wrapped himself up in his blanket. 

His silent tears dissolved into body wrenching sobs and Cas sobbed hoping that would make the pain in his heart go away. 

If Dean didn't want him there was nothing he could do about it but, he knew he would never be able to move on from Dean. He loved Dean too much.


	6. The truth will set you free.

The next three years passed by in a blur for Cas. He would go to class, go to work, and come home to Dean and Lisa. They'd always be on the couch in each others arms watching a movie. Or they would be in Dean's room being not so quiet about what they were doing. 

Cas tried his best to ignore them pretending it didn't bother him. It worked, for the most part, up until the second year that Dean and Lisa were dating and Lisa moved in. Having to see them together every single day after he got off work was making Cas bitter and isolated. 

He tried dating a few times but they never lasted long. He just couldn't let go of his feelings for Dean. To make matters worse Dean would still mess around with Cas.

Every time Dean and Lisa would fight, Lisa would leave the apartment pissed off and Dean would immediately go to Cas' room. Cas would give Dean a blowjob or a handjob, and Dean would reciprocate and leave saying, "You are so much better at that then Lisa." And Cas would always think, "Then why are you with her not me?" 

And that was the way things were. Dean would break up with Lisa and Cas would give him a blow job. Dean and Lisa would get back together and Dean would ignore Cas. Dean and Lisa would fight, Cas would give him a hand job. Dean and Lisa would make up, and Cas would make dinner for them. That's the way it was.

Until it wasn't.

It was the day before graduation, all finals were done, and there was nothing to do but relax and wait for graduation day. Cas had already gotten several teaching offers but had yet to accept any of them. Dean was going to work at his Uncle's shop and Lisa was going to live with Dean. Everything was going to be great.

Cas was sitting at the dining table looking over the applications for the colleges that wanted to hire him. Reading about benefits and pay was not a great way to pass the time but it was the only way he could think of. 

Cas heard the apartment door slam and looked up. Dean was standing there and he was pissed. He threw his keys onto the kitchen counter and started pacing.

"Dean," Cas tentatively probed, "Is something wrong?" Dean chuckled humorlessly, "Wrong? Is anything wrong? Yeah something is fucking wrong Cas. What a stupid fucking question to ask."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Cas stood up preparing to run to his room if Dean started throwing things. 

"Lisa. Fucking Lisa Cas." Dean kicked one of the dining room chairs. Cas jumped and looked at Dean, "What about Lisa?"

"She's cheating on me Cas! With some stupid fucker she met at a bar!" Dean slumped into one of the upright chairs and sighed, "She's cheating man. And she's pregnant." Cas gaped at that, "She's pregnant? When did you find out?" 

"Today when I walked in on her and dude going at it in the library." Dean rubbed the back of his neck, "She told me it wasn't what it looked like and said she's pregnant and its mine." Cas sat down in the chair across from Dean, "So did you break up with her?" 

"No," Dean wiped his palm across his face, "I asked her to marry me." Cas could feel what was left of his heart break. His eyes filled with tears and he whispered a broken, "What?" 

<3 <3 <3

 

Dean looked up to see Cas' tear filled eyes, "I asked her to marry me. It was the right thing to do man. I mean, I don't want the kid to grow up without a dad." Cas just sat there looking all kinds of broken. 

"Hey, you OK man?" Dean reached out and touched Cas' hand. Cas blinked and pulled his hand away, "You can't. You can't marry her Dean."

"Cas I have to. That kid needs his dad." Dean sighed, "I don't expect you to understand." Cas clenched his jaw, "No. You're right. I don't understand why you asked that cheating whore to marry you." 

"Hey! Don't talk about her like that! You don't know her Cas." 

"No Dean you don't know her!" Cas stood up and started pacing, "This isn't the first time she's cheated on you. And it certainly won't be the last. I mean how do you actually know this kid is yours?" 

"What do you mean this isn't the first time?" Dean clenched his hands into fists, "What the fuck do you know that I don't?" 

"Oh come on Dean!" Cas sighed running his fingers through his hair, "You're not here all the time. Between school and working for your uncle. I'm home far more than you are, and so is Lisa." 

"Cas cut the crap. Tell me what you know." 

"Last month I was studying for my English final. You were at work, I was in my room, and Lisa had left shortly after you had. Well she came back, and she wasn't alone." Cas took a deep breath, "She had some guy with her, and they were all over each other when they got here. I heard them come in the door and stepped out of my room in time to see them going into yours. The activities that followed weren't exactly quiet." 

Dean shook his head, "You're lying." Dean stood up, "You're lying, you've always been jealous of Lisa." 

"Dean why would I lie to you? I didn't tell you sooner because I knew how much it would hurt you. Besides its not like things between the two of you have been all sunshine and roses lately." 

"What's that supposed to mean?" 

"Dean, I hear you two fighting. It's not exactly quiet. Besides which fact you always come to see me when you and her are fighting." 

"Shut up Cas. You just shut up."

"Why? Does the truth hurt Dean? Or are you upset because you know she's a lying cheating whore and you're still with her!" 

"Don't talk about her like that!" 

"Why?! Its the truth! And you know it Dean!" 

"Shut up!" Dean didn't remember getting so close to Cas, "Shut your mouth." Cas looked up at Dean, "She's a slut, and you're a dumbass for not realizing it sooner." 

Before either of them really knew what was happening Dean's fist connected with Cas' jaw. Everything seemed to move in slow motion as Cas stumbled and fell to the floor. Dean was frozen to the spot looking at Cas on the floor. He could start to feel the pain in his hand but it was nothing compared to the pain in his heart. 

He hit Cas.

His best friend.

The only person he truly loved. 

"Cas," Dean whispered, "Cas I'm sorry." Cas cradled his jaw with his hand. There were tears in his eyes, and on his face.

"Cas, I'm so sorry. I don't know what the hell came over me." Dean reached out to help Cas up. Cas slapped Dean's hand away, "Don't touch me." Dean took a step backwards, "Cas I'm sorry man. I never should have swing at you. Fuck this is all so messed up." 

"No, you're right Dean," Cas slowly got up off the floor, "You're right. I'm just jealous of Lisa. Ever since you started dating her I've been nothing but a fuck buddy. Truth be told you and I haven't been friends since high school." 

"Cas you know that's not true. You're my best friend. You've always been my best friend. Nothing will ever change that." 

"Dean, I've watched you go from girl to girl. I've been there to wipe away your tears and to listen to your exploits but I'm done." Cas sniffled and wiped tears from his cheeks, "Lisa will cheat on you again, and I sincerely doubt that that baby is even yours. I can't watch you ruin your life for her and that baby." 

"What? What are you saying Cas?" 

"I'm leaving. After graduation I'm gone. I can't sit by and watch her hurt you anymore Dean. I just can't." 

"Really?" Dean's voice rose and he clenched his fists, "Why the fuck do you care what happens to me anymore? I mean if we aren't friends then why do you care so much? Huh? Why?" 

"Because I love you!" Tears were rolling down Cas' cheeks. Dean blinked, too in shock to say anything. Cas stepped closer to Dean, "I love you Dean." 

"For how long?" Dean subconsciously stepped closer to Cas. Cas took another step forward, "I've always loved you Dean. I just realized that it was love in eighth grade. When you got your first girlfriend. I was so jealous of her and I didn't really understand why at first. But then I realized it was because I love you." 

"Cas," Dean reached up and stroked Cas' cheek, "Please tell me that you're lying about this." Cas leaned into the touch and whispered, "I can't lie about this Dean. I love you, even though you don't love me." 

Dean leaned forward and kissed Cas on the nose, "Cas, I'm sorry, but Lisa needs me." Fresh tears made their way down Cas' cheeks, "Then, you've made your choice, and now I can make mine." Cas stepped away from Dean and turned to go into his room. 

"What do you mean?" Dean stepped forward to stop Cas, "What choice?" Cas stopped in his doorway, "Don't worry about it, just know that after we graduate tomorrow, I won't be here." 

"Cas wait-" Dean didn't know what to say. He was losing his best friend and there was nothing he could do to stop it. Because he couldn't admit how he felt to Cas. Cas shut the door to his room and Dean stood there listening to the sound of Cas sobbing. And there was nothing he could do about it.

<3 <3 <3 

Cas was completely packed and ready to go as soon as the ceremony was over. He had stayed up all night packing but it was worth it if it meant he would be away from Dean. He had filled out an application for Stanford university. He was going to be the new English professor and he was excited, kind of. 

Cas sealed the envelope with his application in it and slowly stepped out of his room. Dean had left last night after their fight and still hadn't been back. Cas looked around to make sure Dean wasn't there and went for the door.

"Hey Castiel." Cas froze with his hand on the door handle. He felt like the kid who had just got caught trying to sneak out of the house.

"Hello Lisa," Cas turned around and saw Lisa sitting on the couch, "How are you?" 

"I'd be a lot better if I knew where my fiancé was." She crossed her arms, "You don't know where Dean went do you?" Cas shook his head, "No, I haven't seen him since last night. Congratulations by the way, Dean will make an excellent husband and father. Now if you'll excuse me-" 

"I know Castiel." Lisa stood and crossed the room, "I know what happened last night. I was standing outside the door for the whole fight. Plus I'm not stupid, I knew you loved Dean from the moment we met." 

"You knew?" Cas felt his jaw clench in anger, "You knew? And yet you still dated him? You still accepted his proposal and you knew?!? How could you do that to another person?" 

"Oh please," Lisa scoffed, "I know what you and him have been doing! I'm not as stupid as you seem to think I am! I know that you two have been sleeping together behind my back, don't even try to deny it."

"You are only partially right on that. We've never actually had penetrative sex, he doesn't even kiss me, at all, I'm just his fuck buddy when you won't put out." Cas sighed and looked at the floor, "And if you were listening to our argument then you know perfectly well that Dean doesn't love me. Besides after graduation I'll be gone so, believe me you have nothing to worry about." 

"I never heard him deny it." 

"Deny what?" 

"That he loves you. He never said he didn't love you, he just said that he had to do what was best." 

"It doesn't matter," Cas opened the door, "Because after I graduate I'm gone. You and Dean can get married and start your family and have your happily ever after. You won't need to worry about me getting in the way." 

"Well I should hope not. You've already disrupted our lives enough." 

"Goodbye Lisa. If I never have to see you again then I shall have a happy life." With that Cas walked out the door, shutting it on Lisa and her rude comments. He walked to the mail box and, with trembling hands, he slipped his application in to be mailed. In a few hours Balthazar would come to pick up his stuff and drive it to their new apartment in California. Cas would fly down and find the apartment and wait for Balthazar to get there with his things. And everything would be good. 

Cas rubbed his aching jaw, which had bruised over by now, and wondered how he was gonna hide the bruise for the ceremony this afternoon. After all, he was graduating with high honors and he didn't want everyone to think he had gotten in a bar fight the night before. 

Perhaps he would call Charlie and ask her. She would be able to help. Just a few more hours and he would never see Dean again. Cas started to cry at that thought. He wiped his tears away and promised himself that would be the last time he shed a tear over Dean Winchester.

<3 <3 <3 

Dean saw Cas once the entire graduation ceremony. When they called Cas' name and he walked across the stage to get his diploma. He didn't see Cas beforehand and he didn't see Cas afterwards. 

When the ceremony was finished Dean had looked for Cas until his Aunt, Uncle, cousin, and tall little brother had found him.

"We are so proud of you Dean!" Ellen hugged her surrogate son, "So so proud." Dean smiled and returned the hug, "Thanks Ellen. I never could've done it without you guys, and Cas." 

"Speaking of which, where is Cas?" Jo asked, "You two have practically been conjoined since you met." Dean shrugged, "Dunno, I haven't seen him since yesterday." 

"How have you not seen him? You two live together." Jo crossed her arms, raising an eyebrow in suspicion, "Dean?" 

"Look it doesn't matter. Let's just get out of here and go celebrate! Right?" Dean started to walk towards the exit. Sam placed a hand on his brothers shoulder, "Dean, what happened?" Dean sighed, "Just, leave it Sammy. Alright?" Sam nodded and they followed Dean outside, where they ran into Lisa.

"Dean! I've been looking everywhere for you!" Lisa gave Dean a peck on the cheek, "I'm so proud if you!" 

"Thanks Lis, you remember my family don't you? Aunt Ellen, Uncle Bobby, cousin Jo, and my brother Sammy." Lisa plastered on a fake smile, "That's right, your family. Hey Dean can we talk for a minute. In private." Lisa didn't wait for Dean to agree as she grabbed his arm and pulled him away from the crowd of graduates.

"Lisa! What's going on?" Dean pulled his arm out of Lisa's grip. Lisa sighed, rolling her eyes, "Dean we need to talk about your secret relationship with Castiel." Dean's brows furrowed in confusion, "What are you talking about Lisa?" 

"Don't you dare treat me like an idiot Dean. I'm not stupid." Lisa crossed her arms, "I heard you and Cas fighting last night Dean. I know all about your sexual exploits and how he loves you." 

"Wait," Dean took a calming breath, "You were eavesdropping on our conversation last night?" Lisa huffed, "Yeah I was, but it was for our babies own good! I had to know if you loved that man whore back!" 

"Don't talk about Cas like that. Cas is a good person. He's loyal and kind and so full of compassion and...love."

"Oh my God I knew it." Lisa looked at Dean in disbelief, "You love him don't you? I mean I've known that he loves you but, you love him back? Are you serious?" 

"You knew? What do you mean you've known? How long have you known?" 

"I knew when I first met him. The way he acted around you, the way he treated me. It was obvious Dean, to everyone but you apparently." 

"If you knew, then why didn't you tell me?" Dean felt betrayed and guilty. Lisa grasped Dean's hand, "Because if I had told you, you would've left me for him. I don't want to lose you Dean." Dean shook his head, eyes filling with tears, "You know Lisa, you can't lose something that you never had." Dean pulled his hand out of Lisa's, "Plus I've thought a lot about your pregnancy announcement and its not mine." 

"What?" Lisa's jaw clenched in anger, "Of course its yours! It can't be anyone else's!" 

"See, that's where you're wrong. Because you and I haven't had sex in at least a month so if you're only a few weeks pregnant it can't possibly be mine." Dean shook his head, "To think I let my heat of the moment anger blind me from the truth of the situation. That baby isn't mine, and you know it." 

"Dean, please," Lisa burst into tears, gripping Dean's arm, "Please you-you can't leave me! I love you Dean. You can't leave me for that...that stupid fag! You can't!" Dean ripped his arm away from Lisa, "Don't ever talk about him like that again. We're done Lisa. We have been for a long time and I was too stupid to realize it." Dean turned to leave, "Oh by the way, give my congrats to the real father. Its not my problem anymore." 

"Screw you Winchester! I hope that home wrecker is already gone!" 

"Gone?" Dean turned back around, "What do you mean gone?" Lisa smirked, "He told you he was leaving, and he promised me that he would leave for the sake of our future. Apparently you weren't listening." 

"I didnt hink he was serious! Where is he going?" 

"Don't know," Lisa grinned triumphantly, "He didn't say. Just said he was leaving and he would never be back." Dean turned and ran towards where his family was, "Sam call Cas." 

"Why don't you call him?" Sam questioned. Dean groaned, "Just call him please?" 

"Dean what is it?" Ellen asked, "What's got you all fired up?" Dean rubbed the back of his neck, "Cas is leaving. And I don't know where he's going, and I just broke up with Lisa." 

"Whoa wait, why did you break up with the whore?" Jo interrupted. Ellen glared at her and Jo shrugged, "What? Its the truth."

"She was cheating on me and she got pregnant with his kid and told me it was mine. But that doesn't matter I have to find Cas. I can't lose him." Dean looked at Sam, "Please call him Sam. He won't answer for me." Sam nodded and dialed Cas' number. 

"Its ringing," Sam looked at Dean, "I don't think he's gonna answer Dean." Dean sighed, he could feel tears start to form in his eyes.

"Hello? Cas?" Dean's head shot up when he heard Sam talking to Cas. "Where are you man? Which airport? Lawrence municipal. Cas where are you going? Yeah I'm with Dean. Cas wait! He hung up." 

"But he's at Lawrence municipal. I gotta get there!" Dean quickly hugged his family, "I'll be back soon and I'll explain everything I swear." Dean ran to his impala and sped away from the college. 

Normally it would take 15 mins to get to the airport from the college but with Dean speeding it only took 8 minutes. He parked the impala and ran into the airport. Since he didn't know which flight was Cas' he couldn't ask anyone where to find him at. So Dean ran through the airport looking for that familiar mess of dark hair.

Dean was starting to think Cas had already boarded when he saw a familiar blue flannel, "Cas! Castiel!" Dean yelled while approaching his friend. Cas slowly stood up and turned around, "Dean? What are you doing here?" 

"Cas," Dean embraced his best friend, inhaling the familiar scent of honey, and the ocean, "I'm so glad I found you." Cas gently pushed Dean back, "Dean why are you here?" Dean looked into those pure blue eyes and finally, finally, let the dam inside his heart break, "Cas I love you, and I can not lose you. I'm sorry that it took so long for me to get my head out of my ass and tell you. But damn, can you blame me? I mean you're so good and you care for people so much. You're too good for me Cas, and I never told you how I felt because I knew you deserved better than me. I was scared to lose you Cas and it turns out that not telling you is what's causing me to lose you. Please don't leave me Cas, I need you." 

"Dean," Cas was fighting tears, "Do you think that you can just track me to the airport, and confess your love to me, like some stupid chick flick, and everything would be forgiven?" Dean looked at the floor, "No Cas, I didn't. Honestly I didn't even think this through. I just know that I can't stand to lose you." 

"What about Lisa?" 

"What about Lisa? I dumped Lisa. She cheated on me and its his kid. You were right Cas. You're always right and I should listen to you more. I'm sorry that I've been such an idiot, and that I hurt you so much but I love you Cas, have since high school, and I don't want to lose you." Dean started to cry, "Please stay with me Cas. I need you." 

"Dean I can't!" Cas was crying too, "You don't understand the kind of pain I had to go through! You don't understand my heart break or my suffering! I did everything you ever asked of me and in return I got to watch other people be with you! I got to watch them get what I had always dreamed about having with you. I can't be with you right now Dean, I'm hurt and I'm broken. I just need to be away from you." 

"Cas, dont, don't leave me." Dean please his voice wavering, "Please don't leave me." Cas looked at the floor, "I have to Dean. I have to do what's best for me right now. I'm going to California, and I'm going to teach. Maybe someday we can be together but, not now." 

"Alright, fine," Dean wiped his tears on his sleeve, "But I want you to know that I will spend every day making this up to you Cas. I will never hurt you again, and I will redeem myself to you. I'm not wasting anymore time. I finally know what I want, and I'm not giving that up. I want you Cas, and I'll be damned if I don't get you." 

"Dean, please just-" Cas' statement was cut off by Dean's lips pressing against his. Dean could feel Cas tense beneath him, and then Cas kissed him back. Dean was on cloud nine, he had never felt so alive before. Cas' kiss was a drug and Dean just became an addict. 

Cas pulled away blushing, "I have to go. My plane is boarding." Dean smiled and gave Cas another quick kiss, "I'm serious Cas. I will make it up to you." Cas looked at the ground, "I truly hope that you keep your promise. Goodbye Dean." 

"Bye Cas." Dean watched Cas until he couldn't see him anymore. Then he made his way towards the exit. Dean opened his phone's gallery and looked at the picture he'd managed to get when he kissed Cas. It was a picture of Cas' plane ticket, "Stanford California huh?" 

Dean got on his contacts list and called his brother, "Hey Sammy, you're going to Stanford in the fall right?" 

"Um yeah Dean. Why?" 

"How'd you like to stay in and off campus apartment instead of in the dorms?" 

"That'd be great but I don't know anyone who lives there... Unless?"

"Would you mind having me as a roommate?"


	7. Dinner, advice, and a step in the right direction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize, profusely for taking so long to update this fic. I have no excuses for you, my dear readers, for why this was so long coming. Just know that I am deeply sorry that it took so long and I hope that it was worth the wait. Hopefully you won't have to wait this long for an update again. Please enjoy this chapter.

Summer flew by quicker than Cas had anticipated. He'd flown down with no problems, and gotten settled in his new place just fine. Balthazar had texted Cas saying that Cas could sleep in his bed until he got there. 

Two days later Balthazar had shown up with the u-haul and together they had officially moved Cas in. The following Monday Cas had his interview with Stanford. He was accepted and got his packet of paperwork to prepare him for teaching the fall semester. 

Things were going great, until the week before classes started. The college was having a meet and greet so the students had an opportunity to meet their teachers and each other. Cas was sitting behind his table conversing with students that would be in his class. There were more than Cas had expected and he was starting to get nervous. 

"Cas?" Cas turned his head to find the speaker. His mouth went dry when he saw the familiar giant standing there. 

"Sam? What are you doing here?" 

"I'm signed up for your class this semester." Sam chuckled, "Small world huh?" 

"Yeah, small," Cas sighed, "Why are you here? At Stanford?" Sam furrowed his brows in confusion, "Um, I'm here to study law. Your class is a requirement for me to graduate. Dean didn't tell you I'd be coming here?" 

"No," Cas replied somberly, "Dean and I don't talk much." 

"Huh," Sam shrugged, "You'd think he would've said something, since he knew you'd be teaching here." 

"He, uh, didn't," Cas coughed, "He didn't know I would be teaching here." 

"Oh," Sam looked at his feet, "Wait, what do you mean you and Dean don't talk much? He texts you every day." 

"He does text me, but I don't text him back." 

"Why?" Sam was utterly confused now, "What happened between you two? You were inseperable when you were younger, now you don't even talk? What happened Cas?" 

"Sam," Cas shook his head, "It's a long story." Sam clapped his hands together, "Great so let's go out for some burgers tonight and, you can tell me the whole thing." 

"Sam-" 

"Great, here's my address," Sam wrote it on a piece of paper and handed it to Cas, "I don't have a car yet, and I'm not too familiar with the city so pick me up at 7?" Cas grabbed the paper, "Sam wait-" 

"I'll see you at 7 Cas. We can talk then, I still have some teachers to meet." Sam turned and walked away from Cas. 

"Sam please-" Cas tried but Sam had already dissappered into the crowd. Cas sighed and read the address: 2105 Maple st. Apt. 3. Cas knew where the apartment complex was. He had spent the summer familiarizing himself with the city. 

Cas glanced at his watch, five hours till seven. This was going to be a long night. 

<3 <3 <3 

"Dean? I'm back!" Dean lifted his head out of the box he was unpacking. Sam set his bag down by the door, and promptly flopped down onto the couch. 

"So," Dean walked over and flopped down next to him, "How'd it go?" Sam shrugged, "It was fine. All the teachers seemed pretty nice. They were a little shocked at how young I am but, other than that it was smooth sailing. How about you? How'd the interview go?" 

"Awesome," Dean propped his feet on the coffee table, "I got the job and, I even got some unpacking done." 

"Good," Sam shoved Dean's feet off the table, "At least now we'll be able to afford this place." 

"Shut up," Dean looked at his hands, "Did you talk to Cas?" Sam nodded, "We're going out tonight to talk about what happened between you two." 

"Sammy I already told you what happened." 

"Oh right," Sam rolled his eyes, "How could I forget the very detailed explanation you gave us after you returned from the airport. I believe it went: I'm in love with Cas but I was an asshole and now he's gone but I can't lose him so I'm following him to California." 

"And that's all you needed to know," Dean got up and walked to the kitchen, "That's all that happened." 

Sam shot Dean bitchface #12 the 'I don't believe you, you lying liar.' Dean shrugged, "Bitchface or not Sam that's all you need to know." Dean pulled a beer out of the fridge and returned to the couch. 

"Well, I know there's more to the story so I'm just gonna ask Cas. He'll give me more detail." Dean rubbed his temples like he had a headache, "Dammit Samantha could you put your chick flick bullshit aside and just stick to the plan? Please?" Sam rolled his eyes, "Whatever you say Dean. You obviously know what you're doing." 

"Damn straight now shut up and help me unpack all this shit."

<3 <3 <3 

Cas pulled up outside of the apartment building at exactly 7 pm. Sam was standing outside waiting for him. Sam smiled and waved when he saw Cas pull up. 

"Hey," Sam said as he climbed into the passenger seat, "Glad you showed up. Nice ride." 

"Thank you. Its actually my roommates car." Cas put the car in gear, "How did you manage to get an off campus apartment? It must be expensive." 

"I have a roommate. We split all the bills so it really isn't that expensive." Sam looked out the window, "Where are we going?" 

"A little burger place I found during the summer. You'll like it I'm sure." Cas tapped his fingers against the steering wheel. There was an awkward silence, until Sam cleared his throat, "So, who's your roommate? Anyone I would know?" 

"Balthazar. He moved here about a year ago. Said he wanted to live near the beach. There aren't many beaches in Kansas apparently." 

"Does he still want to date you?" 

"What?" Cas was shocked to be asked that by Sam of all people, "Not that its any of your business but no. He has someone he's seeing." Sam sighed, "Are you seeing anyone?" 

"Why are you so interested in my love life Sam?" Cas groaned as realization hit him, "Did Dean put you up to this?" 

"No!" Sam looked back out the window, "I mean, he didn't ask me to interrogate you." 

"What exactly did he ask you to do then?" Cas asked, while putting the car in park. Sam pointed to the building they were parked in front of, "Is this the place?" Cas sighed and nodded slowly, "Yes we should probably go inside." Together they got out of the car and walked into the small diner. 

It was very cozy and had a 1950's feel about it. They sat in the first open booth and not a minute later a waitress was taking their order. 

"Hi my name is Ambriel, can I getcha started off with something to drink?" 

"I'll have an ice tea and I'd also like to order," Cas had been here enough to know what he wanted, "I'd like the bacon double cheeseburger, extra pickles, with a side of sweet potato fries and that'll be it." 

"Alrighty, one house special coming right up Mr. Novak." Ambriel turned to Sam, "And what would you like cutie?" Sam blushed and looked at the menu, "I'll have an ice tea and a house salad, with sweet Italian vinegarette dressing. If you have it." 

"One house salad with sweet Italian vinegarette. You betcha good looking. I'll be right back with your drinks." Ambriel winked at Sam as she walked away. Cas silently chuckled at the blush adorning Sam's cheeks. 

"What are you laughing at?" Sam coughed and looked at his hands. Cas laughed, "I'm not laughing at anything, cutie." Sam grinned, "Shut up. Mr. Novak." 

"Ambriel is a very nice girl Sam. She always helps me when I visit this establishment, and I think she's enrolled in my class this semester." Cas smiled, "Perhaps you should befriend her Sam." Sam rolled his eyes, "Maybe. But probably not." 

"Here's your drinks boys, "Ambriel set the two iced teas on the table, "Your food should be ready soon too. Is there anything else I can get while you wait?" 

"No thank you Ambriel. We're just fine for now." Cas took a sip of his tea and smiled at her, "How are you? Did things go well with your parents?" 

"I'm doing well thank you." Ambriel slipped her notepad in her apron pocket, "Unfortunately things didn't go as well as I'd hoped. They still want me to come home and take over the company." Cas nodded, "Parents are hard sometimes. Just continue your studies Ambriel they will understand in time." 

"Thank you Mr. Novak," she smiled and went back to the kitchen. 

"So Sam," Cas started, "Why did Dean want you to go to dinner with me?" Sam sighed, "Look, Cas, the reason I asked you out to dinner tonight was to talk about what happened, between you and Dean." 

"Why? What did Dean tell you?" 

"You know Dean," Sam deepend his voice to imitate his older brother, "Cas and I had a fight, I was an asshole and I don't know if he'll ever talk to me again. That's all you need to know Sammy." Cas chuckled, "Very good impression Sam. He's right though, we had a fight, he was an asshole, and I don't know if I'll ever speak to him again." 

"See that, right there, is the whole problem Cas." Sam ran a hand through his hair, "Maybe if you would tell me, what exactly went on I could help you two through it. Dean is miserable Cas. He misses you, a lot. All he ever talks about is you. Every time I talk to him its: 'I wonder if Cas found somebody who isn't worthless like me.' 'God I screwed up Sammy and now I've lost him for good.' 'I don't know how to fix this Sammy. I love him, I can't lose him.' Frankly its driving me crazy. So please Cas, tell me what happened." Cas sighed, "Our food is coming. We'll talk about this later." 

Ambriel walked up to the table with their food, "Alright so I have one house special for Mr. Novak, and one house salad with Italian vinegarette dressing for his handsome friend. Do you boys need anything else?" 

"No thank you," Sam smiled at her, "We'll let you know if we do." Ambriel winked and walked away from the table. Immediately Sam was back to interrogation mode, "Now tell me Cas. What happened?" 

"Sam," Cas rubbed his temples, "Can this wait until after the meal?" 

"No," Sam folded his hands on top of the table, "Please just tell me." Cas sighed, "Fine, but I'm still eating so you'll have to listen carefully." 

"Fair enough," Sam relaxed and started to eat his salad. Cas took a bite of his burger, and after he finished chewing he started his side of the story. 

"Dean and I were best friends, as you know. Well in high school I stumbled across some pornography on his computer and it made me aroused. He walked in and I had never, taken care of myself before. So, he helped me with my issue and things became somewhat awkward after that." Cas paused to take another bite.

"Wait, so you and Dean had sex?" Sam's face paled a little at the thought. 

"Not exactly, I mean it was just a sloppy handjob. But it was my first sexual experience and it was with Dean. I still sometimes masturbate to that memory." Sam shuddered, "That's really more than I needed to know."

"My apologies," Cas cleared his throat, "So anyways, after that things between us were, awkward. Living together during college was smart financially but, not emotionally. Tensions were tight. Dean and I spent a lot of time avoiding each other. Then, the day he met Lisa…” Cas looked at his food, suddenly not feeling as hungry. 

“What? What happened?” Sam pressed. Cas sighed running his fingers through his messy hair, “It was my fault. I had called Gabriel and asked him to get Dean to want me. At first he told me to just tell him the truth but, I was afraid if I told him the truth and he didn't feel the same-”

“It would ruin your friendship.” 

“Exactly, so Gabriel suggested I appeal to his flesh.” 

“Wait,” Sam interrupted, “Gabriel told you to seduce my brother?” Cas nodded, blushing he continued, “He told me Dean was a man of action, not words. So I stripped down to my boxers, and a tie and waited for him to get home.

When he returned he found me and I proceeded to seduce him. Things were going, well they were going, and I thought it was working.” 

“You thought it was working?” Sam took a bite if his salad. Cas pushed a couple fries around on his plate, “It wasn't. Not really anyways. Dean asked me what I was hoping to get from it. I told him that I was whatever he wanted me to be. Then he kissed me, on the forehead. I was so shocked I tensed a little from surprise. After that Dean said there would be no kissing, hand holding, cuddling, anything more than just sex was off limits. 

So we got each other off. I was upset that my plan hadn't worked, we fought, I cried, he left, and when he came back.” Cas just looked sadly at the table.

“Cas?” Sam noticed that his friend was starting to look like he might cry. Cas took a deep breath, “I tried, so hard, to let Dean know how I felt. But it turns out, that if I had just told him, just took a chance and let him know, exactly how I felt,” Cas’ voice cracked and he started crying, “it's my fault that I hate him. If I had just told him the truth, he wouldn't have found comfort in someone else's arms. It's my own fault my heart got broken and it's my fault now that I can't talk to him. 

When he chased me down, at the airport, I felt like I was in some bad romance movie. Then he told me that he loved me, wanted to be with me, that he would make it up to me, but I just couldn't say yes. My anger and heartbreak kept me from accepting the thing I had wanted most.”

“Dean.” 

“Yes,” Cas wiped the tears from his face, “Sam, I don't know if I can ever be with Dean. Not after everything that's happened. I'm too broken.” 

“Cas,” Sam paused for a moment, trying to think of what to say. “Cas, do you still love him?” Cas nodded, “I'll always love him.” 

“Then maybe, it wouldn't be so bad if you just, called him? Or even sent him a text message. Because as much as you believe that everything that happened is your fault, trust me, Dean believes 10 times that amount that it's his. Just, maybe try to be friends again, and then you might be able to be something more.” 

“You know Sam, you're much wiser than your years.” 

“I get that a lot,” Sam chuckled. Cas smiled, “Maybe, I'll text him.” 

“A maybe, is better than a no.”

The rest of their meal was eaten in comfortable silence.

<3 <3 <3

Dean was pacing in the living room, when he heard the door open. He quickly looked and saw Sam, finally.

“Sammy! How did it go?” he writing his hands nervously. Sam put his hoodie on the back of a chair, “He said, he'll think about texting you.”

“Really?” Dean asked, a hint of hopefulness in his voice, “What did you say to him?” 

“Well, we started with what happened between you two. Which reminds me,” Sam punched his older brother, full force, square in the nose.

“Oh fuck!” Dean grabbed his nose in pain, “What the fuck was that for?” 

“For being an emotionally constipated douche bag! Cas loves you and you wouldn't let go of your self hatred long enough to let him know you felt the same! Because why? You're afraid to let yourself have good things, because you think you don't deserve them. That's bullshit Dean. Now both of you are suffering because you're both dumbasses!” 

“Alright! You made your point.” Dean walked to the fridge and grabbed a bag of frozen veggies to put on his sore nose. He sat on the couch, with the frozen veggie bag on his face. Sam sat next to him, “Then I asked him if he still loved you. He told me he would always love you. So I told him he should reach out to you, try to be friends with you again, and then maybe, after time, you could try at a real relationship. He told me he would think about texting you.” 

“So he's at least gonna think about it?” 

“He said maybe.”

“That's not a no,” Dean grinned which turned into a grimace of pain. Sam frowned, “Sorry for hitting you. I didn't mean to hit that hard.” 

“It's alright Sammy,” Dean groaned in pain, “I deserved it.” Sam slightly smiled, “Yeah, you really did.” Dean playfully shoved him, “Bitch.”

“Jerk.” 

Just then Dean's text message ring tone went off. He practically leaped for it, grabbing it off the coffee table and quickly opening the text. 

“Who is it from?” Sam tried looking over his brother's shoulder. 

“It's from Cas,” Dean smiled, even though it made his face hurt. Sam nudged his brother, “What did he say?” Dean kept smiling like the love struck idiot he was. He showed the text to his brother. It was just two words: ‘Hello Dean.’ 

Dean quickly responded: ‘Hey Cas.’

It wasn't much, but it was a start.


	8. Of mixed feelings and realizations

It had been a month now, and Dean was getting impatient. Sure Cas was talking to him again, but it was always the same conversation:   
‘Hello Dean.’   
‘Hey Cas’   
‘How are you?’   
‘I’m good u?’   
‘I'm well.’   
‘good to hear’   
‘I have to go now, class is starting.’   
And the texts only happened once every other day! Sometimes not even that often! Dean was tired of waiting. After fighting his feelings for years it was time to take some action.

Dean sat on the couch thinking about what he should do. Should he just ask Cas on a date, should he just show up at Cas’ place, maybe he should see if Sam would let him tag along to one of their lunches. Because of freaking course Cas is more than willing to have lunch with Sam all the damn time but barely communicates with Dean. And of course Sam just keeps saying the same thing every time, ‘He just needs time Dean. Give him time.’ Freaking girl.

Dean looked up at the sound of the front door opening. Sam walked in and dropped his back pack on the floor, just like every other day. 

“Hey Dean,” Sam greeted when he noticed his brother on the couch, “What are you sulking about?”

“I'm not sulking,” Dean replied taking a sip of his whiskey. Sam scoffed, “Dude, it's 2 in the afternoon and you're sitting on the couch drinking whiskey.”

“We're out of beer,” Dean shrugged, “What am I supposed to drink? Water?” 

“Uh, yeah Dean, normal people would drink water.” 

“Freaking hippies.” 

“Dude, seriously? You're sulking, and shouldn't you be at work right now?” Sam looked at his watch, “You're not usually off till 5.”

“Boss called this morning, said he didn't need my help so I've been here all day. Just doing my thing, watching tv, reading a little bit, practicing guitar, and-”

“Sulking,” Sam interrupted. Dean glared at his not-so-little little brother, “ Not. Sulking.” Sam rolled his eyes, “Right, everything but sulking.”

“Exaclty,” Dean drank the last bit of his whiskey and glanced at his phone. Still nothing back from Cas. Sam sat next to him on the couch, “You talk to Cas today?”

“Yep, same conversation we have every damn time he dains to speak to me.” Dean put his phone back in his pocket. Sam nodded, “So that's why you're sulking?” 

“Yeah Sam, that's why I'm sulking.”

“ And drinking whiskey at 2 in the afternoon, when we have beer in the fridge.” 

“Yeah, that too.” Dean looked over to see Sam giving him the puppy eyes of sympathy, “Oh Jesus, don't look at me with you're freaking pity gaze, I don't need your pity.”

“No, but it's obvious you need my help.” Sam looked at his watch, “Cas and I are going out for dinner at 6:30. Which is like 4 and a half hours from now.” 

“That's great Sam, but I fail to see how that helps me,” Dean stood and walked into the kitchen to refill his glass. Sam followed him into the kitchen, “It helps you because I know where we're having dinner at-”

“And?” Dean interrupted, “I still fail to see how that helps Sam!” 

“And, if you happen to show up at the same place while we're having dinner, we'll it would just be a happy coincidence wouldn't it?” 

“Oh,” Dean nodded in understanding, “Yes, a very happy coincidence.” Sam smirked, “Glad you get it and I didn't have to explain it in explicit detail for you.” 

“Shut up bitch.”

“Make me jerk.” Sam grinned triumphantly. Dean rolled his eyes, “So what's your plan genius?”

<3 <3 <3

Cas was just about to lie down, when his phone vibrated. With a sigh he pulled it out of his pocket, hoping that it wasn't Dean again. He glanced at the screen, it was Sam.

‘We're still on for tonight right?’ 

Cas rubbed his temples, it had been a long day and he had a headache. He was about to text back that he wasn't really in the mood when he got another text.

‘I'll help you grade papers again.’

Cas did have a lot of essays that needed grading, Sams offer sounded pretty good. Cas sighed and texted Sam back.

‘I'm going to take a nap first, I'll text you when I wake up to let you know for sure.’

Cas walked into his kitchen and grabbed a glass of water, then he went to his medicine cabinet and grabbed some advil. He swallowed two pills, and took the water with him to his room. 

He set his water on the nightstand by his bed, climbed under the covers, and passed out. 

“Cassie!” 

Castiel woke with a start to find his roommate Balthazar standing by his bed. Cas stretched and groaned, “Balth, what time is it?” 

“It's 7:30 and that damn Sam Winchester won't stop calling me.”

“Shit!” Cas jumped out of bed scrambling to get ready, “I was supposed to meet him for dinner at 6:30!”

“Yes I am aware, because he kept calling me,” Balthazar turned to leave the room, “Then he showed up at the damn door.” Cas froze, “He's here?” Balthazar nodded, “Yes he's been here grading your papers for the better part of an hour, told me not to wake you, let you sleep and he'd grade papers and leave. He's driving me mad though so I had to come wake you, couldn't stand to hear any more useless facts about wendigos.” 

“Tell him I'll be right out.” 

“Of course love.” Balthazar rolled his eyes and left the room muttering something about damn Winchester and his useless knowledge. Cas quickly changed into some jeans and a button up, combing his unruly hair with his fingers and slipping some shoes on. 

Cas deemed himself presentable and grabbed his phone off his nightstand. He checked to see how many missed calls he had from Sam, only 3 missed calls and 2 texts. He opened the text messages but only one was from Sam it said: ‘Cas you awake man?’ 

The second text was from Dean, and it just said three words: ‘I miss you.’ Cas felt a twinge of pain in his heart. He wasn't being fair to Dean, he knew he wasn't. He was purposely keeping Dean at a distance to avoid getting hurt again. He promised Sam he would text Dean but he was being less than cordial in his communications. 

He stared at those three little words debating on texting back when he got another text from Dean.

‘Cas I miss you man, please don't push me away.’ Another twinge of guilt ran through Cas’ heart. He wanted to text back and say he missed Dean too, that he doesn't want to push him away but feels he has no choice, that no matter how hard he tries he can't stop loving Dean. Instead he shuts the screen off, pockets his phone, and heads into the living room.

Sam was sitting on the couch, a stack of essays on the coffee table, a pen in one hand, and an essay in the other. He didn't even look up when Cas sat next to him. 

“I told Balthazar not to wake you up. I would've been fine just grading papers for you.” Sam marked something on the paper he was reading. Cas sighed, “I am sorry that I slept in Sam, you didn't have to come over and grade my papers though.” Sam shrugged, “I promised I would help. No big deal Cas.”

“Well if you'd like we can still get dinner. I know I'm starving.” 

“Sure,” Sam set down the esaay he was grading, “I could use a good salad. We going to our usual place?” Cas nodded, “Yeah that sounds good.” 

“Alright, let's get going then.” Sam stood and walked to the door, “You're driving right?” Cas stood and followed him, “Yeah I'll drive.” 

“Cool, might want to let your roomie know we're leaving so he can come out and use the t.v.” Cas frowned, “Why couldn't he use the television?” Sam grinned, “I told him I couldn't concentrate with all the noise, it made him pretty mad. I think that's about the time he went in to wake you up.” 

“Well played Sam,” Cas called down the hall, “Hey Balth, we're heading out!” 

“Grand news! The sooner the better. Make sure you come back without that Winchester!”

“Bye Balth!” Cas locked the door behind himself, “Shall we?” Sam nodded, “Lead the way.”

<3 <3 <3

Dean had pulled up outside the small diner, Heaven's sandbox, about ten minutes ago. Dean thought that was a weird name for a diner but, this is California and so far pretty much everything was weird compared to Kansas. 

He had been sitting in his car waiting for the signal from Sam. He kept nervously adjusting his shirt collar, glancing at his phone, waiting for the signal.

He hoped on all things this plan would work. However his self depricating thoughts kept telling him this would never work and he should just give up now. He was just about to give up when his phone vibrated.

He almost dropped it in his haste to check the message.

‘It's time.’ Dean could swear his heart was going to beat out of his chest. When was the last time he had been this nervous? Probably when rhonda hurley had him wear her panties, and he liked it. 

Dean took a deep breath and got out of his car. His hands were shaking, his heart was beating a thousand miles per hour, and Cas was just through that door. 

Cas, Dean hadn't seen him in almost 5 months. He'd never gone without seeing Cas that long. Even when Cas’ family would take vacations during the summer they would Skype each other at least once a week. 

Dean took a deep breath and walked through the door to the diner, expecting the worst. Slowly, on shaking legs, he walked over to the booth where Sam and Cas were sitting. 

Just like they had planned Sam looked up, feigning surprise, “Dean! I'm glad you could make it.” 

“So am I Sammy.” Dean looked at Cas, who was doing his best to avoid looking in Dean's direction. Sam scooted over and motioned for Dean to sit next to him. Dean sat across from Cas, but Cas still wouldn't look at him.

“So Cas I hope you don't mind but, Dean is visiting me right now and I invited him to dinner with us.” Cas frowned, “A little advanced notice would've been nice Sam.”

“That's my fault,” Dean hoped Cas would at least glance in his direction when he spoke up, “It was all kinda last minute. Sorry Cas.” 

Cas was currently trying to glare a hole into his burger. Dean could feel the tension rising. This was a bad idea. Sam cleared his throat, “So Dean, how are things going?” 

“Well,” Dean kept his focus on Cas hoping for just a small glance from those beautiful blue eyes that he missed so much, “Things are going good, um, there's really not much to tell.”   
“Are you seeing someone?” Cas asked stiffly. Dean tired to make eye contact with Cas, “No, I'm not seeing anyone. Because the person I want to be with, the person I love, won't even look at me.” 

“What makes you think you even deserve this person's glance?” 

“Cas,” Sam pleaded, “Don't-”

“No Sam,” Dean interrupted, “It's fine, he asked a simple question. I can answer it.”

“Well?” Cas probed still glaring at his burger. Dean looked at his hands, “I don't.” Cas raised his brow in confusion, “What do you mean?” 

“I mean I don't Cas.” Dean sighed, “I don't deserve his glance, or his attention, or his time. I don't even deserve to be in the same room with him after the things I've done. I just wish he could forgive me.” Cas didn't say anything, he just kept staring at his burger.

Dean could tell Cas didn't want him here, and that made Dean's heart break. Dean cleared his throat and stood, “Well this was fun, but I can tell when I'm not wanted. Thanks for inviting me Sam.” 

“Dean don't leave, we need to talk about this.”

“Nothing to talk about Sam.” Dean looked at Cas, “But don't for a minute think that this attitude is going to get me to stop Cas.”

“Dean, please-”

“No, Cas. I promised you that I would do whatever it takes to make it up to you and I meant it. You may be ok with breaking my heart, but I'm done breaking yours. I love you Cas, and I will do whatever it takes to prove it to you. And that, that is a promise.”

Finally Cas looked at Dean, “Am I breaking your heart Dean?” Dean liked his lips, “Yeah Cas, you are.” Cas looked almost sad but when he spoke he didn't sound sad, “At least now, you know how I felt.” 

Another twinge of pain and guilt struck Dean and a tear escaped his eye, “Bye Cas.” He quickly turned and fled the diner bravely trying to contain his tears.

<3 <3 <3

“What the hell Cas!?!” Sam was trying to keep his voice down, but he was furious. “Do you get some weird thrill out of hurting my brother? Is this some kind of payback? Because I think Dean has been through enough at this point.”

“Has he Sam? Because I think he's just now starting to understand what I have been through.” 

“You're an asshole! Why are you doing this to him?”

“Because I'm trying to help him!”

“How is this helping Cas? Barely talking to him, treating him like shit, did you know he cries himself to sleep sometimes because of that? He feels so terrible for the way he treated you, and now you're doing the same thing to him.”

“He cries himself to sleep?” Cas felt that twinge of guilt that was becoming all to familiar to him. Sam scoffed, “Yeah he does, a lot, because he feels so guilty about what he did to you. He was wrong though, what he said earlier about not deserving you. Because as far as I can see he's trying, and you're pushing him away. You're the one who doesn't deserve him.”

Sam stood and placed some money on the table, “This should cover my bill. See you tomorrow Professor Novak.”

“Sam wait,” Cas grabbed Sams sleeve, “I'm not trying to hurt him. I love him. I'm just trying to keep myself from getting hurt again.” Sam yanked his sleeve away, “I'm not the one who needs to hear that Castiel.” With that Sam left the diner, leaving Cas alone with his guilt. 

Cas sighed and buried his face in his hands, trying desperately not to cry in public.

<3 <3 <3

Dean felt numb inside. He was just sitting in his car outside of the diner. He could feel tears running down his face, but he didn't really feel sad, just empty. 

When Sam climbed in the passenger side Dean said nothing. 

“Dean, do you-”

“No Sam,” Dean interrupted, “No, I don't want to talk about it.” Sam nodded and they sat together in silence. After a few minutes Dean started his baby and drove them back to their apartment. 

When they stepped inside it was still silent, Dean set his keys on the coffee table and headed towards his room. 

“Hey Dean?” Sam said somberly. Dean stopped at his bedroom door, “Yeah Sam?” 

“After all this, do you still love Cas?” 

“Yeah Sam,” He replied voice cracking, and fresh tears beginning to fall, “I still love him, even though I probably shouldn't I do. And I want to hate him for how much he's hurting me but I know it's my fault and I know this is exactly how he felt when I hurt him. And I want to stop but I can't Sammy.” 

Dean couldn't take it anymore, he suddenly started feeling everything all at once and it was overwhelming. 

“I love him Sammy,” He sobbed, “I love him but I'm afraid he'll never forgive me and I know that I did that. I don't deserve his forgiveness.” Suddenly Dean's knees buckled as he was overcome with body wracking sobs, “He's never gonna forgive me Sammy. And I deserve this. I deserve this. I don't deserve his love and forgiveness.” 

Dean could feel when Sam wrapped his arms around him. He turned and buried his face in Sams shoulder, “I love him and I'm gonna lose him. Why am I such a fuck up?”

“Shh, it's ok Dean,” Sam soothed, “It's ok, why don't we just get you to bed? Ok? Things won't look so bad in the morning.”

“OK Sam, ok.” With Sams help Dean stood and made it to his bed. Sam helped him lie down, “It'll be ok Dean, just get some rest.”

“Thanks Sammy,” Dean sniffled and rolled over onto his side. Things would be better in the morning. They would. They had to be.

<3 <3 <3

Sam quietly shut Dean's bedroom door. He walked into the living room and pulled his phone out of his pocket. He took it off speaker and held it to his ear, “I hope you heard all of that. And I hope you're fucking happy.”

“Sam,” Cas sounded like he was crying, not that Sam cared, “I'm so sorry I-”

“I'm not the one who needs to hear it Cas. So frankly I don't fucking care.” Sam hung up the phone before Cas could say anything else. He knew that was a good idea, the minute he walked in the door he could tell Dean was going to break. So he called Cas and put him on speaker phone so he could hear everything. The plan was it would make Cas feel bad, and judging by the sound of Cas’ voice his plan had worked.

He just hoped his brother would be ok in the morning. 

<3 <3 <3

Cas slumped against his bedroom wall, tears streaming down his face. He felt so incredibly guilty for what he was doing to Dean. All he meant to do was make sure Dean knew what it felt like. To make Dean feel that heartbreak. 

After hearing that though Cas knew he was in the wrong. And damn did he feel guilty. 

Now he knew how Dean was feeling right now, and boy did it hurt like hell.


	9. And finally, a silver lining

Things were not better in the morning. In fact things were not better for a weeks worth of mornings. And Sam, Sam was slowly losing his mind. If these two idiots didn't stop moping and just kiss, he was going to kill them both.

It was the beginning of week two of the moping and Sam had had enough. When Dean walked into the kitchen that Monday morning Sam cornered him.

“Have you talked to him?”

“Good morning to you too Sammy,” Dean yawned and filled his coffee mug, half coffee half whiskey. Sam huffed and used bitch face number seven the ‘I am so tired of your bulls hit Dean.’ 

“Come on Sam, don't give me the bitchface.” 

“Oh I am gonna bitchface you so hard. Have you talked to him yet?” 

“It's not that simple Sam.” Dean took a long drink of his whiskey coffee. Sam rolled his eyes, “Whatever Dean, I gotta get to class. Please try to talk to him.” 

“No promises Sammy.” Dean pat Sam on the shoulder as he walked out of the kitchen, “Have fun with the asshole today.” 

Sam shook his head, looks like he needed to take matters into his own hands. He grabbed his back pack and left without another word. 

As he walked towards campus he thought about what to do to fix his brother's crappy relationship. If only they would talk to each other. 

Sam’s thoughts were interrupted when he ran straight into someone. The person he hit fell dropping books and papers everywhere.

“I am so sorry!” Sam bent to help the person up realizing it was a girl. “I am so so sorry miss, I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.” Sam helped her stand up.

“It's ok,” She responded kinda choppy, “I wasn't paying attention either.” She looked up at Sam and he got a good look at her. She was shorter than him, with dark brown hair in a ponytail, pretty brown eyes, and a soft round face. She was wearing jeans, a plain white Polo Shirt, and tennis shoes.

“You're beautiful,” Sam blurted. The girl blushed, “Thank you.” Sam noticed that she signed when she talked. 

“Uh you're welcome,” He was blushing and cleared his throat, “So, forgive me if I'm overstepping my boundaries here, but are you deaf?” 

“Mostly deaf,” The girl replied and signed, “When I was little my parents got in a car accident. I was in the back seat, and my head got hit really hard which damaged the part of my brain that controls the eardrums. I have hearing aids that help me hear but I am mostly deaf, and without them I can hardly hear at all.” 

“Oh wow, were your parents ok?” 

“No, they didn't make it.” The girl looked down sadly. Sam looked at his hands, “I'm sorry about your parents. My mom died when I was still a baby, I never knew her, or my dad really.” 

“What happened to your dad?” 

“I don't really know. My Aunt Ellen always told me that he went ‘hunting’ and he left my brother and I with her and my Uncle Bobby when I was still a baby. I've never actually met him, but my aunt thinks he died of alcohol poisoning or something.” 

“I'm sorry about your parents,” The girl smiled sadly, “Seems like we have a lot in common.” Sam smiled, “Yeah, it does.” 

They stood there smiling at each other for a minute before the first bell rang. Sam jumped, “Crap, I gotta go, my class is about to start.” 

“That's ok, I have to get to work anyways.” The girl looked at her stuff still all over the ground. 

“Oh my gosh! Let me help you pick your stuff up.” Sam bent to pick up some of the papers that had fallen. 

“It's ok,” The girl bent down to pick up some stuff, “I can take care of it, you should get to class.” 

“No its my fault,” Sam scrambled to get everything before it blew away, “I'll help you, it's fine.” 

Sam moved to grab a piece of paper, at the same time the girl did and, accidentally knocked her over again. 

“Oh my god! I am so sorry!” He quickly grabbed her arm and helped her stand again. 

“I am so sorry, let me get the rest of your stuff for you.” The girl nodded, “Probably a good idea.” Sam smirked nervously, then bent to pick up the rest of her stuff. 

“Ok,” He stood up and gave her stuff to her, “ That should be everything. I am so sorry.” 

“It's ok,” She smiled, “It's was nice to meet you, even if I did meet the ground twice because of it.” 

“I am so sorry,” Sam profusely apologized, “Is there something I can do to make it up to you?” 

“Just try not to knock me over anymore,” The girl teased. Sam blushed, “I'll try.” The second bell rang.

“Damn, I'm gonna be tardy,” Sam cursed, “I've really got to go, but it was nice to meet you…” He didn't know her name.

“Eileen,” She provided, “Eileen Leahy.” 

“Eileen, that's a pretty name.” Sam blushed, what was wrong with him?

“Thank you,” the girl, Eileen, blushed, “What's your name?” Sam shook his head trying to coming out of this weird daze, “Sam, Sam Winchester.” 

“I like it,” Eileen smiled, “I really have to get to work but I'd like to see you again Sam.” 

“Yeah, yeah I'd like that.” 

“Give me your hand,” Eileen grabbed a pen off her pile of stuff and reached for Sam’s hand. Sam let her grab it. She quickly wrote something down then put her pen away.

Sam looked at his hand, “Is this-”

“It's my number,” She interrupted, “Text me.” 

“Yeah, I will,” Sam looked up and saw her walking away from him, “I'll text you!” She smiled from over her shoulder and kept walking.

Sam grinned like an idiot, and ran to his class getting there 10 minutes late. He burst in the room without preamble and took his seat at the front of the class room.

“Mr. Winchester, how nice of you to join us,” Cas frowned at Sams interruption of class. Sam shrugged, “Glad to be here, Professor Novak.” 

“I'd like to speak with you after class Mr. Winchester.”

“Yes sir.” 

Cas turned back to the white board he had been writing on, “As I was saying, one of the most tragic pieces of literature is…” 

Sam was only half paying attention to Cas’ lesson. He was too preoccupied by his own thoughts, mainly how to fix this fucked up situation he had helped create.

<3 <3 <3

“Have a seat Mr. Winchester,” Cas gestured to the seat across from his desk. Sam nodded and sat. Cas laid his hands on top of his desk, “Do you know why I've asked you here today Mr. Winchester?” 

“No sir, I don't.” 

“It's because of your grades Mr. Winchester.” 

“I thought I was doing well in your class. What's wrong with my grades?” Sam sounded worried. Cas shook his head, “Your grades are good, in fact you're doing so well that I want to transfer you to a different class. An advanced English kind of class.”

“Cas you do teach advanced English.” Sam leaned forward, “Is this because of what happened last week? You want to move me out of your class because of it?”

“Sam I think it's in our best interest if you transfer classes. It's a conflict of interest to have you in my class.” 

“No Cas, I like your class. You're a really good teacher, and you're my friend.” 

“Am I Sam? Am I your friend? Because last week really made me question our friendship.” Cas balled his hands into fists, “I really don't feel like you're my friend Sam.” 

“Cas,” Sam looked at his hands, “I'm sorry Cas. I'm sorry for what I did. It was,” He sighed, “It was a dick move Cas. I shouldn't have gotten involved and I'm sorry. This is between you and Dean and I just included myself. I just want you and Dean to be happy. I'm tired of seeing him so sad and hurt. And it was wrong of me to manipulate you the way I did. I was just trying to help my big brother.”

Sam looked sincerely sorry. Cas sighed, “It's ok Sam. I understand you were just looking out for your brother, but next time you should go about it a different way. Because now not only am I hurting, but so is Dean.” 

“You can fix that Cas, just give Dean a chance to prove himself to you. He really misses you Cas.”

“Sam-”

“Please Cas, even if you just want to be friends with him. Please give him the chance to be your friend again. He really misses his best friend.” Cas sighed and rubbed his temples, “I will try to be Dean’s friend again, but I'm not promising anything. There's a lot that happened between us that you don't know.”

“Any effort is good enough for me. And I promise to stay out of it. So, are we good?”

“Yes Sam,” Cas half smiled, “We're good.” Sam got out of his chair and hugged Cas, “Thank you Cas. I love you man.” 

“I know Sam,” Cas awkwardly hugged back, “I care about you too. And Dean, I care about Dean too.”

<3 <3 <3

Dean knew this was stupid. He knew it wouldn't work. But he was gonna do it anyways because stupid is what he does. 

He couldn't belive he was going through with this stupid idea. He'd thought long and hard about what Sam had said and decided his kid brother was right. He had to fix things with Cas. 

So here he stood, outside of Cas’ classroom door with a bouquet of flowers and a freaking suit. Yes Dean Winchester was wearing a suit. Did he hate it? Yes. Was it worth it? God he hoped so. 

For about the millionth time in the past five minutes he straightened his tie. He looked in the classroom window, again, Cas was still teaching. Dean took a deep breath, he could do this, he had to do this. 

He straightened his tie one last time before gripping the door handle, and walking in the classroom.

As soon as he walked through the door he could feel a thousand pairs of eyes on him. And silence, thick, heavy, stifling, silence.

“Can I help you sir?” Cas asked tentatively. Dean took a deep breath and walked towards Cas.

“Actually, I think maybe you can professor. You see I've been in love with this guy, my best friend in fact, since we were kids. Unfortunately I was stupid and I pushed him away, broke his heart, and hid the truth from him. I messed up. I messed up so bad and I'm trying, I'm trying to fix it. But he keeps pushing me away.”

“So I hurt him, he hurt me, and now here we are. Me standing in front of him, and his whole college class, to say: I'm sorry.” 

“Dean this isn't-”

“No, Cas please just listen to me this one time. Please hear me out and, if you still don't want to see me after this...I'll leave you alone I won't bother you anymore but I've got to speak my piece.” 

“Alright,” Cas crossed his arms, “I'm listening.”

“Ok, here goes,” Dean cleared his throat, “Cas, you've been my best friend since kindergarten. And I didn't know until college that you loved me. And you didn't know that I love you. So I'm sorry, for not telling you how I felt, and I'm sorry for all the pain I put you through. You're my best friend and I never, in a million years, wanted to hurt you. And it kills me everyday to know how much I've hurt you.”

“So, I moved down to California. I left all my family back home in Kansas to be near you. So that I could try to make things better.” Dean dropped to his knees in front of Cas.

“Dean what are you doing?”

“Cas, I know I've hurt you, and I know there's no reason you should forgive me. But I love you Cas. With all my heart I love you, and I miss you, so freaking much. Please just give me a chance to at least be your friend again. Please, I need you in my life. Please Cas, I'm begging you man, your my family and I need you.” 

Dean timidly offered the bouquet of flowers to Cas, “Peace offering?” 

“Dean Winchester,” Cas fought back a smile, “Are you trying to buy my forgiveness with flowers?” Dean smirked, “Not just any flowers Cas, Peruvian lillies. I know they're your favorite.” 

They stared at each other in silence for a moment before one of the students shouted, “C’mon kiss him Professor Novak!” That gained some shouts of agreement from the other students and, reminded Dean they weren't alone.

Dean and Cas both blushed. Dean got back on his feet and gave the bouquet to Cas. Cas accepted the flowers, red faced with embarrassment. 

“So,” Dean cleared his throat, “I'll pick you up tonight at 7? We can go out to dinner and, just talk about things?” Cas nodded, “Tonight at 7. It seems we have a lot to talk about.” 

“Yeah,” Dean agreed, “We do.” 

“Now go, I have a class to teach still.” Cas gestured for Dean to leave.

“One more thing before I go,” Dean walked up to Cas, grabbed him around the waist, and kissed him on the cheek.

“Dean,” Cas said a warning not to push his boundaries in his tone. Dean stepped back, “I kept it on the cheek. I've been dying to touch you since you left me at the airport.”

“Get out of here you sap.” Cas gently pushed Dean towards the door. Dean chuckled, “I'm leaving. I'm leaving. But I'll see you for dinner.”

“Goodbye Dean.” 

“Bye Cas.” Dean left the classroom with a smile on his face and hope in his heart. Maybe, just maybe they could fix this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So things are finally starting to look up for everyone. The angst is almost over, they're will probably be a little bit of angst next chapter but from there it's fluffy time. I can't make these babies suffer any longer than they already have, it's killing me.


	10. Time to talk about feelings

Seven o’clock couldn't come fast enough. Dean kept glancing at his watch every three seconds. Then he would adjust his tie for the millionth time, and look in the mirror to make sure he still looked presentable. 

He was still wearing the suit he wore that morning when he had burst into Cas’ classroom with flowers. Freaking flowers. It was worth it for Cas though. 

He straightened his shirt again, a nice gray button up, with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, that he had paired with an emerald green tie, black dress pants, and his only pair of black dress shoes. 

He glanced at his watch again, 6:45. He could head to Cas’ place now. It was still early but with drive time and everything he'd probably get there right on time.

He fixed his hair in the mirror one more time and left his bedroom. 

“Sammy,” He called as he walked down the hallway, “You home?” 

“Yeah!” Sam stepped out of the kitchen, “What's up Dean?” 

“Just wanted to let you know I'm going out.” 

“You're going out?” Sam repeated incredulously. Dean rolled his eyes, “Yes Sam I just said that.” Sam frowned, “Who are you going out with?” 

“Um, just an old friend…”

“Dean you don't have any friends in California. Unless?” Sam posed it as a question but Dean knew his brother had already figured it out. He groaned, “Fine, I'm going out with Cas.” 

“This is great Dean!” Sam smiled, “What made you change your mind?” 

“I thought about what you said. And I want to fix things, even if it means that Cas and I are just friends. I miss my best friend.” Dean shrugged, “I'll take what I can get at this point.”  
“You're doing the right thing Dean,” Sam smiled. Dean groaned, “Yeah, whatever. I gotta go. I'll see you later bitch!”

“Goodbye jerk!”

<3 <3 <3

“A date? Are you serious Cassie? After everything he's put you through?” Balthazar paced the living room, “I mean do you really think this is a good idea?”

“Yes, Balth, I do.” Cas glanced at his watch, 6:55, Dean should be here any minute. Balthazar groaned in frustration, “I don't think this is a good idea. If it were me I'd never even talk to the emotionally constipated bastard.” 

“Balth,” Cas frowned, “Dean is making an effort to make it up to me. And I've done nothing but push him away. We need this time to talk about everything. If only so we can be friends again.” 

“If you think this is best, I'll support your decision.” 

“Thank you.”

“Even if I think Dean can go shove it.”

“Balth-”

A knock at the door interrupted their conversation. Cas quickly got up to answer it, smiling when he saw Dean on the other side.

“Dean,” Cas blatantly checked Dean out, “You look very handsome.” Dean smiled a light blush on his cheeks, “Thanks Cas, you look really good too.” 

Cas glanced down to see what he was wearing. A white button up with navy blue pants and his striped tie. He blushed, “I didn't even change when I got home.”

“S’okay you always look good.” Dean winked. Balthazar cleared his throat, “Don't keep him out too late Dean. And if you hurt him again I will cut your dick off.”

“Balth,” Cas groaned.

“Always a pleasure to see you Balthazar.” Dean looked at Cas, “You ready to go?” 

“Yes, let's go.” Cas followed Dean out of the apartment.

“I mean it Winchester!” Balthazar yelled as they shut the door. Dean chuckled, “I see he hasn't changed.” Cas scoffed, “Not even a little bit.” They turned and walked towards Dean's car, ground floor apartment, no stairs.

“So,” Dean looked nervous, “Where do you wanna go? I'm not really familiar with the town so anywhere you suggest is fine with me.” Cas thought for a minute, “How about the diner that we were at last week? I really like their burgers.” 

“Sure thing Cas,” Dean opened the passenger door for Cas. 

“Dean, ever the gentleman,” Cas teased. Dean shrugged, “You can thank Aunt Ellen for that.” Cas smiled wistfully, “She raised you well.” 

“Yeah, for all the good that did right?” 

“Dean,” Already things we're wandering into rough territory, “You…I...I don't know what to say.” 

“There's a first for everything,” Dean joked half heartedly, “Let's just go to the diner, we can talk there.” Cas nodded and got in the car, Dean closing the door for him.

<3 <3 <3

Dean took a deep breath and walked around his baby to the driver's side, “You can do this.” He got in baby and looked over at Cas. His heart melted.

Cas was sitting on the passenger side slowly running his hands over the dash. Dean couldn't help but smile softly at the sight.

“I've really missed this old girl,” Cas said quietly. Dean liked his lips, “Yeah, I think she missed you too Cas.” Cas glanced at Dean, “Remember that time we took her out to the lake? When you were teaching me to drive.”

“Yeah, you almost drove her into the lake.” Dean laughed, “And then I spent 20 minutes trying to calm you down because you were so scared I was gonna be mad at you.”

“There is nothing you love more than this car!” Cas replied defensively, “Of course I was scared.” Dean still laughed, “Cas you're my best friend and you only almost drove her into the lake. You didn't actually drive her into the lake so I wasn't mad.” 

“Shut up assbutt,” Cas playfully shoved Dean. Dean smiled and started baby. Cas hummed, “She still purrs.” 

“Yep, I take good care of my baby.” Dean cleared his throat and quietly added, “I'd like the chance to be able to take care of you too.” Cas either didn't hear him or, didn't care what he had said,”It's this turn here.” 

Dean pulled into the parking lot and parked his baby.

“Dean, I think we should talk out here.” 

“What?” Dean was confused, “Why would you want to sit out here and talk when there are burgers inside?” Cas rolled his eyes, “Because this conversation is private and I would rather have it in private than in front of a bunch of strangers.”

“Fair enough,” Dean turned the car off, “So, what's on your mind Cas?” 

“Well,” Cas worried his bottom lip with his teeth, “I feel like some apologies are in order.”  
“You're right,” Dean sighed, “I really am sorry Cas. For the way I treated you, the things I said, it was really shitty of me. And I should have just told you how I felt in high school when we...you know. But I was scared to tell you, and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry Cas.”

“Dean,” Cas reached out and wiped a tear off Dean's cheek. He hadn't even realized he was crying until Cas did that. Dean leaned into Cas’ touch, Cas moved his hand to cup Dean’s jaw.

“I messed up Cas. And I'm sorry.”

“Why didn't you tell me Dean?” Cas’ voiced wavered, “Why didn't you tell me how you felt?” 

“Because I was scared Cas. I was scared of what my family would think. I was scared of what other people would think. I was scared you didn't feel the same way and that it would ruin our friendship. But mostly I was scared you would feel the same way.” 

“Dean,” Cas tilted his head in that way he does when he's confused, “Why would me reciprocating your feelings scare you?” 

“Because you're too good for me Cas. I'm a fucking mess and I was afraid if you knew the truth and felt the same way I did then I would drag you down into this shit storm that my life is. I ruin everything I touch, I didn't want to ruin you too.” 

“Dean Winchester,” Cas scolded, “Everyone is ruined in some way shape or form. Whether by other people, or decisions made in the past, everyone is broken somehow. What makes you think that I'm not as ruined as you are?” 

“Why would you be Cas? You're perfect. What could have possibly happened to ruin you?” 

“Dean, I'm far from perfect,” Cas removed his hand from where it was still holding Dean's jaw. He pulled his shirt sleeve up and Dean could see a couple scars on Cas’ arm.

“Cas, what happened?” 

“Well,” Cas looked sadly at his arm, “Like I said, we're all ruined somehow. Mine is called a mental breakdown. When, when you rejected my advances, the night you met Lisa. I couldn't take it anymore, I had tried to let you know how I felt and you had rejected me again. So I hurt myself. I just couldn't take the pain anymore.”

“Cas,” Dean felt like he couldn't breathe, “Why didn't you tell me?” Cas shrugged, “I figured you didn't care. I wanted to kill myself and I didn't really think anyone would care. I couldn't go through with it though. After my adrenaline wore off I couldn't even believe what I had done and my arm hurt so bad. I just lost control.”

“Shit Cas, I'm so sorry.” Dean tentatively reached out to touch the scars on Cas’ arm. Cas shrugged, “It's ok Dean, I mean I didn't exactly come out and tell you my intentions either. We're both at fault for this whole mess.” 

“Cas, would it be too much to ask if we can start over?” Dean held his breath in anticipation. Cas pulled his sleeve back down, “Dean, we aren't done with apologies yet.” 

“What do you mean? I already apologized Cas.”

“But I didn't,” Cas looked at Dean, “I'm sorry Dean. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you how I felt sooner. I was afraid too. Afraid you didn't feel the same way. Afraid that I would ruin our friendship. Afraid that you would push me away.” 

“Cas-”

“Turns out I was the one who ended up pushing you away. I'm sorry for the way I've been treating you Dean. You've been trying, so hard, to make things up to me and I kept doing everything I could to push you away. Because I was afraid of being hurt again.” 

“Cas,” Dean wiped the tears from his face, “You don't have to apologize. I understand you were trying to protect yourself.” 

“Thank you Dean.” 

“You're welcome Cas.” 

“Hey Dean,” Cas slid closer to Dean on the bench seat, “I forgive you.” Dean cautiously wrapped an arm around Cas’ shoulders, “Thank you Cas. Do you think we can start over from here?” 

Cas leaned into Dean's side, “Yes, we can.”

Dean pulled Cas closer to his side and kissed his forehead, “Hi, my name is Dean Winchester like the gun.” Cas chuckled, “My name is Castiel Novak, I was named after an angel.” 

“Cas-teel? Your name is weird. Can I call you Cas?” Cas cupped Dean's jaw moving their lips closer together, “Sure Dean.”

“Cool,” Dean breathes against Cas’ lips. Dean doesn't move forward. They are so close together the slightest movement would bring their lips together, but he doesn't move. 

“Cas, are you sure you want to do this?” Dean whispers, their lips brushing together. Cas whispers back a yes and closes the small distance between their lips.

Dean doesn't hesitate in kissing Cas back, moving his hands to run his fingers through Cas’ hair. Cas moans and Dean deepens the kiss, pulling Cas onto his lap.

“Cas,” Dean pulls away, “I need to know you're ok with this. I can't have you like this now and then have you regret it tomorrow. If we're going to do this I need to know you're one hundred percent on board. Because if you push me away, I don't think I can take it.” 

“Dean, I want this. I promise. I don't want to waste anymore time.” Dean licks his lips and leans in again, “Good.” And then they are kissing again. 

<3 <3 <3

Cas couldn't believe things had escalated so quickly. One minute he was in control, next thing he knew he was in Dean's lap, making out like a couple horny teenagers.

Not that he's complaining because, he had wanted this for so long and never thought it would be possible. So Cas shamelessly started grinding his growing erection against Dean's crotch.

“Oh fuck Cas,” Dean groaned, “I want you. But I think we're moving a little too fast.” 

“I want you too Dean but, you're right. I don't want what we've started to end too soon.” 

“Okay,” Dean held Cas’ hips in place, “Then you're gonna have to stop doing that.” Cas huffed, “You're right.” Cas kissed Dean one more time and, climbed off Dean's lap.

“I am sorry Dean. I didn't mean to get so out of control. I've just been holding myself back for so long I couldn't hold it back anymore.” 

“It's ok Cas, I know how you feel, believe me.” Dean smiled, “Well, you still want burgers?” Cas grinned, “Don't ask stupid questions.” 

“Awesome.” 

<3 <3 <3

Dean tried to sneak back into the apartment quietly. His date with Cas had gone amazing. They had burgers and got to know each other again. And when Dean dropped Cas off, well they may or may not have made out for a couple minutes before saying goodbye.

Dean walked towards his bedroom, a smile permanently glued to his face.

“I take it your date went well?” 

Dean jumped, not expecting Sam to still be awake, “Jesus Sammy, you scared the shit out of me.” Sam was leaning against doorway to the kitchen, “Well? You were smiling like an idiot. Did it go well?”

“Oh yeah Sammy,” Dean grinned, “It went really good.” Sam nodded, “Good, I'm glad you two finally got things figured out.” 

“Me too Sammy.”

<3 <3 <3

When Cas got back to the apartment Balthazar was sitting on the couch, drinking a glass of wine.

“You're home late,” Balthazar idly commented, “Good time?”

“Yes, it was a very good time.” Cas answered skeptically, “Why do you ask?”

“No reason really,” Balthazar replied airily, “Did you have sex in his car?” 

“Goodnight Balthazar,” Cas groaned heading to his room.

“Was it good?!?” 

“Goodnight!”


	11. Taking it slow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took so long to get this done but my muse was being a jerk. I would get halfway done with the chapter and have to start over because my muse didn't like it. I rewrote this chapter 5 times before finally getting it just right. I hope that it makes up for the time it took to get it finished. It feels like a filler chapter more than anything else to me so I hope that's ok. Work on the next chapter will begin as soon as my muse sees fit. Thanks for sticking with me guys, it means a lot to me. So here you go 4,011 words of pure fluff.

After their first date Cas was much more careful about how far he let things go between Dean and himself. He loved Dean, always had, and he wanted Dean, but he needed to take things slow. So as a cautionary measure he wanted to start bringing chaperones on their dates, just to make sure they stayed PG. 

 

When Cas first thought of suggesting the idea of chaperones to Dean he was nervous. What if it made Dean angry? What if Dean was just trying to take advantage of Cas again and would leave if they had to have a chaperone? What if Dean thought Cas was being silly and laughed at him? All these thoughts kept Cas from bringing it up to Dean and being very guarded on their dates, hardly letting Dean near him. Until Dean had had enough and cornered Cas about it.

 

It was during their fourth or fifth date when Dean brought it up. They were sitting together in Dean’s apartment watching a movie. Sam was on a date with some girl he had met named Eileen and wouldn’t be home until late. Cas was a nervous wreck, trying so desperately to keep a distance between himself and Dean on the couch to prevent anything from happening. 

 

After an hour of failed attempts at affection Dean finally snapped. He paused the movie and turned full body to face Cas. Cas frowned, “Why did you pause it Dean?” 

 

“Because something is wrong with you and I want to know what.” Dean crossed his arms in front of his chest and waited. Cas nervously chewed his lower lip, “I don’t know what you mean.” Dean rolled his eyes and reached out to touch Cas. Cas backed away from Dean’s touch almost falling over the arm of the couch. 

 

“That’s what I mean Cas. You won’t let me near you. Everytime I try to hold your hand, or put my arm around your shoulder you move away from me. What’s going on Cas? Why are you avoiding me?” Dean placed his hand on Cas’ knee and this time Cas let him. Cas looked at Dean’s hand on his knee and sighed, “I am sorry Dean. I’m just...nervous.” 

 

“Cas, you know you can tell me anything right?” Dean looked so sincere it made Cas feel silly with himself for being doubtful, “I know, I just had some reservations about talking to you about this. I was afraid of what you would say, of how you would react.” Dean squeezed Cas’ knee, a gesture of reassurance, “Cas whatever you have to say. I can handle it. Promise.” 

 

“Well,” Cas hesitated then sighed, “Dean, how would you feel about having a chaperone on our dates?” Dean blinked in surprise then chuckled, “You don’t trust me to behave?” Cas frowned, “I don’t trust myself to behave Dean.” 

 

“What?” Dean’s jaw dropped in surprise, “Are you serious?” Cas huffed, “I’m completely serious Dean. I have wanted you for so long, I have loved you from a distance for so long. Now that I have you I don’t want to wait, but I also do because what if I push things too far too fast and you leave me again? I don’t think I could handle that.” 

 

“Hey, look at me Cas,” Dean gently cupped Cas’ chin making him look Dean in the eyes, “This thing that we have? I get it man. It’s scary, it’s fragile. Don’t you think I want you just as bad? Having you so close and still at arms reach is killing me man.” Cas sighed, “I suppose that’s my fault I have been rather distant.” 

 

“It’s not your fault let me finish.” Dean took a deep breath, “Cas, we have to take this slow. As much as i’d like to just pick you up, carry you to my bed, and have my way with you right now. We can’t. I get that man, I really do. If you feel a chaperone is a good idea, then let’s do it.” 

 

“Seriously?” Cas asked in disbelief, “That’s it? You’re ok with this?” Dean frowned, “Of course I am. If it would make you feel better to have a witness to keep us in check then let’s do it. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable around me Cas. And I sure as hell don’t want you to have the wrong impression of my intentions. So yeah, I think it’s a great idea.” 

 

“Oh Dean,” Cas smiled and threw his arms around Dean’s neck making them fall back on the couch, Cas on top of Dean. Dean laughed and wrapped his arms around Cas’ back, “Man if this is what it takes to get you to hug me I’ll agree to all your ideas.” Cas chuckled nuzzling Dean’s neck, “Thank you Dean. It really means a lot to me that you’re okay with this.” Dean rubbed Cas’ back, “Anything for you Cas.” Dean turned and placed a kiss on Cas’ forehead. Cas sighed content to just lay there and cuddle with Dean. 

 

Dean just kept rubbing small circles into Cas’ back and shoulders occasionally placing small kisses wherever he could reach. Cas felt himself growing tired but he couldn’t bring himself to move. Dean didn’t seem to mind and just adjusted so they could lay more comfortably. 

 

“I may fall asleep Dean,” Cas whispered. 

 

“It’s ok Cas,” Dean whispered back, “Sleep, I’ll behave. I promise.” Cas yawned, “I know you will.” Cas listened to the sound of Dean’s even breathing letting it slowly lull him to sleep.

 

<3 <3 <3

 

Dean could tell when Cas finally fell asleep, is breathing slowed and he subconsciously held Dean tighter. Dean gently place one more kiss to Cas’ forehead, “It may be early in this relationship thing we have,” He whispered against Cas’ skin, “but I love you Castiel Novak. More than anything. And I am so sorry for everything that I put you through. I swear I will make it up to you. I will be a man you can be proud of, a man you would one day be willing to marry. I promise Cas.” 

 

Cas didn’t stir so Dean knew that his quiet confession hadn’t been heard. Dean felt relieved saying it out loud, even if Cas didn’t hear it. One day he would be able to say it to him. Today though, today Dean would just whisper his love into Cas’ skin until he too fell asleep on the couch, arms wrapped around the man he loves.

<3 <3 <3

 

Sam was nervous leaving for his date with Eileen. After weeks of texting each other and beating around the bush Eileen asked Sam on a date. Dean had laughed for a solid 5 minutes when Sam had told him that Eileen was the one who had made the first move.

 

“Dude marry her,” Dean had said before bursting into laughter again. Sam had just shook his head at his brother, happy that Dean and Cas had finally worked things out. Sam had hated seeing his older brother and his friend in so much pain because they couldn’t get over their emotional constipation. 

 

Eileen texted Sam and told him to meet her at the library at 5 o’clock sharp. Sam had gotten there at 4:50 and had nervously waited for ten minutes adjusting his shirt and checking his watch every minute or so. 

 

When Eileen did show up Sam was a nervous ball of energy. Eileen smiled, “Hello Sam.” 

 

“H-hey Eileen,” Sam stuttered, “Y-you look, just, wow.” Eileen laughed, “You’re adorable Sam Winchester. Ready?” Sam nodded and took Eileen’s hand when she offered it. Eileen smiled and started walking away from the library. 

 

“So, uh, where are we going?” Sam asked. Eileen didn’t respond she just kept walking. Sam mentally slapped himself, ‘She’s deaf Sam and can’t see your lips idiot.’ Sam kept following Eileen the silence between them comfortable. 

 

After a few minutes they stopped outside of an Irish pub. Eileen stopped and looked at Sam, “I hope this is ok. It reminds me of home.” Sam nodded, “Oh yeah! This place looks great.” Eileen smiled and tugged Sam towards the door. Sam followed her inside and they sat at a booth in the corner. 

 

“I’m glad that you decided to come with me today Sam,” Eileen talked and signed, “I was afraid you would be too nervous.” Sam laughed, “To be perfectly honest, I am super nervous.” 

 

“I can tell,” Eileen chuckled, “Is this your first date?” Sam shook his head, “Nah, I’ve been on dates before. Usually I’m the one who does the asking and planning so this is definitely a first.” 

 

Just then a server came up and asked them for their order. Sam got a salad and beer, Eileen ordered a reuben and scotch.

 

“Wow,” Sam said as the server walked away, “Didn’t really peg you for a scotch drinker.” Eileen shrugged, “I like the burn.” 

 

After that the table fell into another comfortable silence. Sam guessed that Eileen was used to the quiet and probably preferred it. Sam sighed and tapped Eileen’s hand to get her attention. Eileen looked up and waited for Sam to speak. Sam took a deep breath then slowly signed ‘I like you.’ Eileen gasped, “Sam! You signed to me!”

 

Sam signed back ‘yes.’ Eileen giggled with glee, “That’s so awesome! Have you been learning sign language for me?” Sam blushed, “Yeah. I thought it would be nice if we could hold a conversation in sign.” 

 

“You are just one of a kind aren’t you Sam Winchester?” Eileen shook her head with a smile on her face. Sam’s blush deepend, “Yeah, something like that.” Eileen started signing to Sam but all he understood was ‘you.’ 

 

“Woah, Eileen slow down,” Sam smiled, “I’m not that good yet.” Eileen laughed, “Sorry I said you are amazing Sam.” Sam grinned, “Maybe you could teach me some new stuff? You’re probably a better teacher than youtube.” 

 

“I would love to teach you,” Eileen spoke and signed. Sam mimicked her hand movements trying to sign the same thing back to her. The rest of their time at the pub was spent learning new signs, eating, and getting to know each other better. 

 

By the end of the date Sam’s nervousness was completely gone. Until Eileen asked if Sam would walk her back to her dorm. Sam of course agreed being a gentleman. Once they stopped in front of her dorm the nervousness was back at full force. Was he supposed to kiss her? Were they just going to hug? Shake hands? Awkwardly wave goodbye? Everything had been so easy until this point.

 

Once again Eileen took matters into her own hands. She stepped close to Sam, gently grabbed his face with her hands, stood on her tiptoes, and kissed him softly on the lips. Sam froze for a split second before kissing her back. It was short and sweet but it was the best first kiss Sam had ever experienced. 

 

Eileen pulled away first a smile on her face, “Thank you for tonight Sam. I had a really good time.” Sam grinned, “Me too. Thanks for asking me out tonight Eileen. Maybe we could go out again sometime?” Eileen nodded, “Definitely. I’ll see you later Sam.” Sam smiled and signed, ‘Goodnight.’ Eileen signed it back gave Sam a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and went inside. 

 

Sam couldn’t stop smiling the whole walk home. That had been a great date and Sam couldn’t wait until the next one. When Sam walked in the door his smile just got bigger. Laying on the couch was Dean and Cas both of them sound asleep. Cas had his head resting in the crook of Dean’s neck, his hands clenched in Dean’s shirt, sleeping with a smile on his face. Dean had his arms wrapped around Cas’ back and waist holding him tightly, his face turned towards Cas, his lips resting on Cas’ forehead like he had just kissed there before falling asleep. They both looked so happy that Sam couldn’t help but be happy too. 

 

Quietly and cautiously Sam grabbed a blanket from the hall closet and draped it over the sleeping lovers. Cas stirred slightly but only to snuggle closer to Dean. Sam quietly walked away to his own bed hoping that this means things are only getting better for his brother. 

 

<3 <3 <3

 

When Cas woke up it was dark outside. Cas moved to look at his phone and realized he was lying on top of someone. Then he remembered talking to Dean, and falling asleep on the couch together. Cas wasn’t sure what to do. He wanted to take this whole thing slow to prevent any more misunderstandings, but lying here with Dean felt so right. 

 

Cas slowly sat up trying not to wake Dean, or crush him. Once Cas was sitting upright he looked at his phone. It was one o’clock in the morning. He really should go home.

 

“You keep worrying your lip like that and I’ll have to kiss you.” 

 

Cas startled and looked down at Dean, he still had his eyes closed but he was smirking. Dean gestured for Cas to lay back down. Cas hesitated, “Dean, should we be doing this? I mean, don’t you think it’s all moving too fast? And what about our chaperone? I just, I think I should go home.” 

 

Cas stood up and Dean sat up on the couch, “Hey Cas,” Dean grabbed Cas’ wrist, “If you don’t want to sleep together that’s fine, but please stay. It’s late, it’s dark, I don’t want you driving right now. If it would make you feel better you can sleep in my bed. I’ll stay on the couch.”

 

“Dean,” Cas frowned, “I can’t sleep in your bed and have you sleep on the couch.” Dean shrugged, “Not a big deal Cas. I want you to be comfortable and I want you to be safe.” Dean kissed the back of Cas’ hand. Cas sighed, “Alright. I’ll take the bed.” 

 

Dean stood and wrapped his arms around Cas’ waist and pulled him in close. Cas just let it happen basking in the feel of Dean holding him. Dean placed a kiss to Cas’ temple, “Goodnight Cas. Wake me up if you need anything ok?” 

 

“Alright, goodnight Dean.” Cas gave Dean one quick kiss to his lips before walking down the hallway to Dean’s room. He almost thought he heard Dean whisper I love you but quickly talked himself out of that thought. It was too so for confessions of love. Or was it? Cas and Dean had been denying their feelings for years now. Maybe it wasn’t too soon for that, or for anything that normally happens in a relationship.

 

Cas bundled in Dean’s blankets and tried to fall asleep but, the queen size bed felt empty and cold. Cas tossed and turned trying to get comfortable but nothing worked. Finally he got out of bed and went back into the living room.

 

Dean was sitting on the couch when Cas walked in. Cas cleared his throat and Dean looked at him, “Hey Cas do you need something?” Cas nodded, “Yes Dean.” Dean sat there silently waiting for Cas to continue. Cas knew what he wanted he was just scared to say it out loud. 

 

“Well?” Dean prompted, “What do you want?”

 

“You,” Cas replied without hesitation. Dean look surprised, “Cas are you sure? I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable or anything.” Cas huffed, “Yes, I am sure Dean. I want you to come to bed with me and hold me while I sleep. I am confident that nothing more will happen since your brother is in the next room. Now please, quit letting me deny myself what I want.” 

 

Dean nodded and got up off the couch, “Alright, if you trust me.” 

 

“I do,” Cas reached out and Dean grabbed his hand lacing their fingers together. Dean brought their combined hands up to his lips and kissed the back of Cas’ hand. Cas smiled and tugged on their hands, “Let’s go to bed. I’m tired and I am craving cuddles.” Dean chuckled, “Whatever you need sweetheart.” 

 

Cas lead them down the hall to Dean’s room. They climbed into bed together, Cas with his back pressed up against Dean’s chest. Their legs tangled together, Dean’s arms around Cas’s chest holding him tightly. Cas sighed feeling content and safe in Dean’s embrace. 

 

Slowly their breathing started to even out both of them drifting back into sleep. Cas could feel Dean softly kissing the back of his neck, could feel his breath as he whispered words too soft for Cas to hear. But Cas knew what Dean was saying, Cas could feel the words in Dean’s breath, could feel the words in Dean’s embrace, and in Dean’s kisses. 

 

“I love you too Dean,” Cas whispered as he finally fell asleep. 

 

<3 <3 <3

 

Dean woke up feeling the most rested he’s been in the months since Cas stopped talking to him. He slowly opened his eyes to find that Cas was still sleeping soundly in Dean’s arms. Sometime during the night Cas had rolled over and now was lying facing Dean. Dean smiled and kissed Cas’ nose. Cas’ nose twitched but he didn’t wake. Dean slowly untangled himself from Cas’ arms and legs trying not to wake him up. 

 

“Geez Cas you freaking octopus,” Dean mumbled while trying to get out of Cas’ grip. Cas groaned and grabbed onto Dean tighter. After a few minutes of struggling Dean finally got out of Cas’ grip. Dean sighed and walked out to the kitchen to make breakfast. 

 

He opened the fridge and cringed. It had been too long since anyone had bought groceries and the fridge was pretty bare. He did manage to find some eggs, cheese and a fourth a gallon of milk, cheese omelets for breakfast. 

 

Dean started making the omelets trying not to make too much noise so that he wouldn’t wake up his brother, or Cas. Halfway through the second omelet he heard someone come into the kitchen. He turned and saw it was Sam. 

 

“Mornin’ Sammy,” Dean smiled and Sam yawned, “Hey Dean, whatcha making?”

 

“Cheese omelets, and our stock is pretty well depleted we need to go food shopping.” Sam grunted in acknowledgement and started a pot of coffee brewing. Dean continued making the omelets, “So how was your date last night?” 

 

“It was good,” he heard Sam pulling a mug out of the cupboard, “I’ve never had such a good time with someone. Eileen is just so spontaneous and full of surprises. She keeps me on my toes.”

 

“Did you kiss her goodnight at least?” Dean flipped the omelet waiting for Sam’s response. There was a lengthy pause and finally Sam answered, “Uh, well, I got really nervous, because I really like this girl and I didn’t want to screw things up like you did.” 

 

“Wow thanks for reminding me of that bitch.”

 

“Jerk,” Sam grabbed one of the omelets and sat down at the table. Dean finished cooking the bowl of egg mixture then turned the stove off and joined Sam with an omelet of his own. 

 

“So you didn’t kiss her?” Dean asked around a mouthful of omelet. Sam made a face of disgust, “No, she kissed me.” Dean frowned in confusion, “What do you mean she kissed you?” 

 

“I mean,” Sam huffed in annoyance, “I was really nervous and I wanted to kiss her but I also didn’t. So she took matters into her own hands and kissed me. She’s really kinda independent, I like it.” 

 

“Sounds like a keeper Sammy.” Dean said around another mouthful of food. Sam nodded, “Yeah she’s great. What about you and Cas?” Dean shrugged, “What about me and Cas?”

 

“Well you guys have gone on a couple dates now, and you were awful cozy on the couch last night.” Sam took a sip of coffee to hide his smirk. Dean rolled his eyes, “Cas and I are good. He, uh, he wants to start having chaperones on our dates.” Sam blinked in shock, “Chaperones? Really?” 

 

“Yup,” Dean took a gulp of his coffee, “He’s worried about us moving to fast. So he wants us to be supervised, make sure we keep things PG.” Sam nodded slowly, “And how do you feel about that idea?”

 

“I think it’s a great idea. I mean we messed up back in college by skipping all the talking and feelings and just jumping into sex. So having someone there to make sure we behave will help. Keeps us from jumping too far ahead again ya know?” 

 

Sam shook his head, “I mean I guess it makes sense, but…” 

 

“But what?” Dean questioned. Sam pushed his hair out of his face, “Nothing. It’s a great idea. I’ll help out if you want me too.” Dean cocked his brow in question, “Sam?”

 

Just then Cas walked into the kitchen, hair a mess, still wearing last nights clothes. Dean smiled, “Morning sunshine.” Cas grunted in acknowledgement and poured himself a cup of coffee. Sam and Dean watched as the sleep left Cas’ eyes when the coffee hit him. Cas hummed in happiness and turned to the boys, “Good morning Sam, Dean.”

 

“Morning Cas,” Sam smiled, “Dean says you guys need a chaperone for all your dates.” Dean glared at his brother but Sam ignored him, “Have anyone in mind yet?” Cas shook his head joining the brothers at the table, “No, it’s just an idea right now. I haven’t even thought beyond just having someone there.” 

 

“Well I could be one. Me and Eileen, we could double date. If you guys don’t mind that is.” 

“That’s not a bad idea,” Cas sipped his coffee, “I’ll think about it thank you Sam.” Sam smiled, “No problem Cas.” Dean cleared his throat to get the tables attention, “Uh, I made you an omelet Cas. It might be cold now but I can go heat it up for you. If you want.” Cas smiled at Dean, “I would like that, thank you.”

 

Dean got up and went to warm Cas’ omelet in the frying pan. Cas sipped at his coffee just enjoying the caffeinated drink. Sam finished his own omelet and cleaned his plate in the sink.

 

“I think i’m gonna see if Eileen wants to hang out today.” Sam said before Dean walked out of the kitchen, “Maybe I can get some of my homework done before the weekend ends.” Dean nodded, “Sure, just keep me posted if you’ll be home late.” Sam nodded and went to his room to get ready.

 

When Dean walked back into the dining room Cas smiled. Dean set the omelet down in front of Cas and sat in the chair next to him. Dean sighed, “Sorry it’s not any better. We haven’t gone food shopping in a couple days so, there weren’t many ingredients.” 

 

“Dean,” Cas cupped Dean’s cheek, “I’m sure it will be wonderful. Just like everything that you do for me.” Dean blushed, “Yeah, thanks Cas.” Cas leaned forward and gave Dean a kiss before eating his breakfast. Dean sat there and watched Cas enjoy his food. A comfortable silence between the two. 

 

Dean smiled at the thought that this could be is future. Breakfast with Cas, late nights talking on the couch, falling asleep in each other’s arms, maybe they would get married someday, have some kids, the house with the white picket fence. Dean wanted it all with Cas and that thought didn’t even scare him anymore. Not after what Cas said last night before bed. 

 

“Dean?” Cas waved a hand in front of Dean’s face to get his attention. Dean turned his attention to Cas, “Yeah?” Cas tilted his head the way he always did when he was confused, “What were you thinking about?” 

 

“Nothing, just happy to finally have this. With you.” Dean grabbed Cas’ hand, lacing their fingers together and kissing the back of Cas’ hand. Cas smiled, “Me too Dean.”


End file.
